Melancholy

mel·an·chol·y:

Sadness or depression of the spirits; gloom: "There is melancholy in the wind and sorrow in the grass" (Charles Kuralt). Pensive reflection or contemplation.

My daughter's Manx kitty, Javalina seems to know I'm not my normal self. She tries to make me laugh by distracting me. I've been feeling a little down the past two days. I've not been able to sleep and I feel tired and achy. I don't think I'm coming down with anything as I don't feel any cold or flu symptoms. I just feel...melancholy. You'd think with Spring supposedly here, my spirits would be lifted, but I know better. We don't really get true Spring in our mountains, and we can actually get major snow all the way up into late May.
I'm ready for Spring, though.
Javalina is ready to spring on my fingers as they skitter across the keyboard.

I'm also feeling down about my knee progress. It seems I've hit a wall or reached a plateau. My flexion has only moved up one degree to 95 and my extension has basically stayed the same. I'm discovering that I don't have tolerance for some exercises, especially leg lifts or anything that requires weights or pulling. My leg is still so weak and after a few repetitions my leg usually starts shaking or I have pain and clicking inside and around my knee cap.
It's very uncomfortable and unbearable (like fingernails on chalkboard).

For about a week recently I felt invincible and I was more flexible. I spent time outside with my kids and animals. I was practicing walking without crutches and felt great, although still limping a little bit. But for the past 4 days I can barely walk without stiffness and discomfort. I'm so tired. And I don't trust my knee strength without the support of at least one of my crutches. It's as if I fell 3 steps backwards.

I'm feeling depressed and frustrated with the time this healing is taking. In my mind I'm done, but my body doesn't agree. I haven't cried for a long while about this knee stuff. And most days I have felt really positive, but it's just dragging on and on. I don't think I truly understood what a knee reconstruction surgery and healing really meant for my future. This just sucks.

I want to get back up on my horse, but I just can't see any way that's going to happen. Because it's my left knee, I can't mount on the left for at least a year, so the ACL graft has enough time to 'take'. But my silly horse gets nervous about right side mounting. Before my injury, I dismounted her from the right side and she freaked out and jigged to the left as I jumped down. A new friend I met recently suggested training my mare through Parelli groundwork while I'm waiting to get the go ahead to ride. I like the idea, but I don't think I can afford the program.

Already our out-of-pocket costs from the surgery, follow-up appts, co-pays, medications, and physical therapy is close to $2,000 in just 3 months. In a one-income family that's seriously stretching the budget. Of course, if it wasn't for our insurance we'd be paying over $18,000 for everything. Yikes.

So between that, my stand-still knee progress, and our recent cloudy, windy weather, I'm feeling down in the dumps and full of melancholy. When I'm not doing my exercises, I'm laying in bed. I'm touched that Javalina is spending time with me, as her heart is usually with my daughter, and she rarely leaves her side. A warm, soft kitty usually works wonders making me feel better. But I'm just feeling like my legs are buried in quicksand or mired in deep mud.

Anyone got a rope to throw me?


Just to show you all that I still have a sense of humor, although weak, here's my female llama's fluffy bum to end this post.The End.



From the Tower of,