Warning: This post is long and involves heartbreak, tragedy, and personal issues.
In hindsight, I should have never gone to Starry Night Ranch for the weekend. My life was on the verge of complete and utter breakdown. I had just been through the ringer with a clique of truly awful women who had taken advantage of me and caused enough drama to push me into a deep depression. And the worst was still to come. But it was only something I felt, and nothing I expected.
The ultimate betrayal.
I was soon to discover that my husband had been cheating on me for at least 6 months. He had joined an Asian dating site called Q-Pid, and, according to our bank records, had spent over $4,000 of our family's money on membership, phone calls, video chatting, gifts, a passport, and ultimately a trip to a Hong Kong hotel, to meet up with the girls in China that he was turned on by, from their dating site profiles and photos. I had also found out from our bank records that, on the evening that my husband had taken me out for our 24th wedding anniversary, he came home and video chatted with one of the Q-Pid Chinese girls.
But that wasn't the worst of it.
One of my sons revealed to me that his father had been borrowing money from him for his cheating. This was money that our son had been given as gifts for birthdays and Christmas as well as money he had earned from his job. And it gets even worse. His father had been confiding in his son as if they were best buddies. He was showing our son the photos, videos and profiles of these girls and talking crudely about sex with him, and telling our son how wonderful it would be to have one of these Chinese girls as his stepmother. He claimed that these girls would be more subservient than American girls, and more willing to do as they were told.
My son even showed me the disgusting photos that his father had asked my son to take of him ogling at those Chinese girls. And yes, my son took these photos of his father doing this in our family's living room.
Disgusting.......
But that still isn't the worst of it. My kids and I finally had to come to grips with the emotional and physical abuse, control, and neglect that we had all experienced over the previous 14 years and for most of my 24 years of marriage. We had to face the fact that we had been controlled and manipulated by a narcissist with a terrifying angry streak. Many people asked my kids and I if we had a hard time not having my husband living at home, but in reality we actually dreaded him coming home because it felt like walking on glass the entire time he was in the house. We were constantly anxious that he would have an angry episode and blow up with screaming and yelling and punching or throwing things. And yes, he punched our sons several times and threatened to hit them countless times over the years. During his temper tantrums, he put holes in walls and in my son's desk and broke more things than we can count. He even got in trouble at work for threatening co-workers, once even throwing a chair at a co-worker. Other times, from yelling at co-workers. At home he would scream at us and call us worthless and stupid and good for nothing. He threatened to kill himself if we didn't do what he asked or anytime we complained about his aggression. He said it would serve us right if he died, because it would be our fault.
We lived with fear and anxiety for many years. And it was hell. But we didn't realize how dysfunctional it had gotten, or that we had other options. We were like frogs in a pot. Placed in a pot of cold water on a stove. Gradually, the heat was turned up over many months and years, and we never realized it nor felt the heat, until it was too late and the water was boiling.
So, when my supposed friend, Colleen, (yes, one of those women in that nasty, hurtful clique I spoke of) had stopped over to pick up my mule to take him up to Starry Night Ranch for me to ride for the weekend, I was so overwhelmed and depressed that I ended up bursting into tears and having an anxiety attack. I wasn't able to express to her what was truly wrong because I wasn't completely sure. I just had a general sense of foreboding and fear. And I couldn't tell her, or anyone else, about my personal family issues because I was embarrassed, confused and thought that no one would believe me. That's what being under the spell of a narcissistic abuser for a long time will do to a person.
So, I just made up some excuses to her and apologized for taking up her time and told her I was just going to stay home that weekend.
But she did encourage me to just come up and hang out because it might lift my spirits. I said thanks but I would probably just stay home. And then Julie, the owner of Starry Night Ranch called me and told me to drive up and stay the weekend in her guest cabin and she would even let me ride one of her horses if I wanted to ride.
So, against my better judgement, and touched that others seemed to care about me, I loaded up my clothes and some food to share for the potlucks, and I drove up to Starry Night Ranch.
The drive up to Starry Night Ranch was good for me. The beautiful scenery lifted my spirits and calmed my anxiety.
And some of the scenery even made me laugh.
And as soon as I spotted Starry Night Ranch in the distance, I felt happy.
Starry Night Ranch is very simple and tidy.
Colleen had already arrived, with her 4 Winds Equestrian Center boarders, and set up her camping and meet up area.
I got my stuff unpacked and got settled into the guest cabin, and not long afterwards, Colleen and her boarders returned to Starry Night Ranch from their ride out to the badlands.
Julie decided to work with the WNCR rescue horse she had accepted for training.
She decided to get up on him for the first time while we were there.
He had come a long way since she picked him up from the horse rescue.
Julie's horses were getting excited as the sun dropped lower in the sky. They knew it was almost dinner time!
The day ended with a shared meal and a campfire. I mustered up some smiles and put on a happy face trying not to show how completely shattered and broken I felt inside.
And the next day, again, against my better judgement, I accepted the offer of borrowing one of Julie's horses and joining everyone on a trail ride into the badlands.
My mount for the day was a 4 year old Paint/Friesian mare. She seemed very calm and gentle and reminded me of my Apache mare at home.
And there were times during the ride that day that I did feel happy and relaxed because I truly love being out in nature on a horse (or mule). But that sense of foreboding and anxiety never fully left me. I smiled for the camera anyway.
And I took my usual between-the-ears photos of the beauty all around me.
The lady riding in front of me, in the photo below, was not a boarder of 4 Winds Equestrian Center. But she was their neighbor, and M was invited to join in on the riding weekend at Starry Night Ranch. I'll just call her M. I only knew M from Facebook and she seemed to be a very opinionated, know-it-all kind of person. I had once politely disagreed with her once on FB about something silly and pointless, and she unfriended and blocked me.
But I wasn't going to be rude when I met her in person, and surprisingly, once we started talking with one another, we seemed to really hit it off.
But something about her made me anxious and that sense of foreboding was even stronger when I was near her.
But I tried to distract myself with the gorgeous scenery, hoping that the sense of foreboding and anxiety would subside.
I tried. But it didn't really work.
Tough little tree. And notice the rustic stone witch's cauldron on the right?
See it now?
I really did enjoy the ride, and the little mare I was riding, too. We were riding on the same trail I had ridden just a year earlier on my Apache mare, so it felt safely familiar.
But I didn't feel safe.
But I wasn't sure if my anxiety was just internal, caused by my own personal family situation, or from something in my immediate environment. I try to always trust my gut instincts. And this time, I made the mistake of trying to ignore it.
The scenery tried very hard to distract me, but my heart wasn't in it. And my instincts were on high alert.
I just couldn't shake that feeling that something very bad was going to happen.
I just continued to take photos.......
And pose for photos, too.
At one point Julie decided to ride her horse into a big pond. Her horse balked.
But she managed to convince her horse to wade into the muddy water, while the rest of our group observed.
She even managed to get her horse to almost swim.
That was the last photo I took that day because that sense of foreboding and anxiety that I had felt all along, finally revealed itself.
Right after Julie exited the pond, the energy of our group seemed to almost imperceptibly change. But I felt it. And the mare I was riding must have felt it, too. Her energy level went up and she became a bit prancy and more alert. And I don't think it was because we were heading back in the direction of Starry Night Ranch. We were still several miles away. She tried to charge ahead of the horses in front of us and run down hills. I didn't feel scared at the time, though. It was nothing I couldn't handle, but it did add to my sense of anxiety and foreboding. I knew. I was sure of it.
I was sure that something terrible was going to happen.
I just didn't know when, or how.
At one point, we were riding past an old abandoned ranch building and the mare I was riding spooked, jumping sideways about 2 feet.
I stayed on, though. And the lady riding behind me, M, congratulated me for sticking to the horse as she had seen the whole thing. I felt confident and positive.......for a little while.
But about 20 minutes later, I was gripped by a terrifying panic attack and I was in tears. I needed off the horse I was riding immediately. I wasn't sure if I was afraid that something was going to happen to me while riding that horse. But I just felt this intense urge to get off that horse and change or reset my position. I think subconsciously, I felt that by doing that, the sense of anxiety and foreboding would go away. I felt like I had been on an adrenaline rush the entire day, and in my deepest most raw self, I needed to find relief.
Julie tried to talk me out of it, possibly thinking that I was just fearful of the mare because she had spooked earlier. But that wasn't what caused my anxiety. So, talking me back up onto the mare, wasn't going to work.
Colleen offered me her mare, Pepper, whom I had ridden before, and she would ride Julie's little paint/friesian mare. I was willing to try riding Pepper, desperate for that horrible anxiety and sense of foreboding to go away, so I climbed on Pepper.
But that feeling didn't go away. I did feel safe on Pepper. But I didn't feel unsafe on Julie's horse either. I just had this gut instinct that something bad was going to happen.
And not long afterwards, it finally did.
We had been riding up and over and through a handful of deep sandy arroyos, when we were presented with an especially deep arroyo. Julie had to scout out a safe place for us to descend and we all managed to slide and scramble our way down into the arroyo. Julie and her horse had already climbed up and out the other side of the arroyo, when I felt a commotion beside me.
M, the lady that I had mentioned earlier, was hanging alongside her horse's neck as he trotted past me. She didn't seem to be conscious.
Several of us yelled to her to sit up, and take control of her horse. Her horse seemed confused and sped up, until M just slipped off the right side of her horse, landing on her head, and flipping onto her face into the deep sand.
She lay there for a couple minutes as we all waited anxiously for her to regain her composure and stand up. But she never did.
Instead, the most horrifying noises issued from her mouth. A mix between gurgling and moaning. I felt sick.
We all started dismounting our horses, realizing that the situation was dire.
I think I was still in shock, but as I started to dismount, Pepper started walking off and I must have called out or squealed. I have no idea. But Colleen, who was by this time, kneeling beside M, yelled at me to not do something to her horse. I really can't remember what she said exactly, as I was in some kind of bizarre out-of-body vortex. I just know that her harsh tone caused me to slightly become more aware of my surroundings. I know that I don't do well in stressful situations and I just sort of shut down. But I had been on an adrenaline rush all day with anxiety and it had all culminated into that horrible moment.
But M was much worse than I was. She never regained consciousness. We stayed with M and the horses, while Julie galloped over to a neighbor's ranch so she could call 911 and get a helicopter ambulance to rescue M. M couldn't be safely moved and there were no roads to where she was, and the terrain wouldn't allow for a vehicle ambulance.
After about 15 minutes of waiting, the horses started getting antsy, and there wasn't anything to tie them to, just sagebrush. The sun was painfully hot and there were no trees for shade, so we were taking turns holding a shirt over M's body to keep her from overheating. But none of us had much water left because we were at the end of our ride. We decided there was no reason for all of us to stay there waiting for the helicopter to arrive, so Colleen and Loeta decided that they would stay, while the rest us of would lead the horses across the difficult terrain back to Starry Night Ranch.
We led the horses because we were all so shook up from what happened to M, that we felt our anxiety and stress would transfer to the horses, who were already impatient because we were only about a mile and a half away from Starry Night Ranch. That walk seemed like it lasted forever.
The sun was beating down on us, and two of us, including me, had to lead two horses, who kept trying to lead us, as we struggled over the uneven sagebrush covered terrain. And then we had a long slog down a dusty dirt road under the glaring sun.....without any water. By the time we arrived back at Julie's ranch, I was aware that I was overheated and my vision was spotty and blurry. One of Colleen's boarders told me that my face was bright red and she offered me water and told me to stop untacking the two horses I had been leading, and to just sit down immediately. I took a gulp of water and then poured the rest of the water on my head and face and finished up unsaddling the horses.
And then I sat down in the shade and drank a couple more bottles of water.
From what I remember, the helicopter ambulance arrived 30-40 minutes after M's accident occurred and whisked her away to a hospital in Farmington, NM about an hour and a half north of Starry Night Ranch and Starry Night Ranch is about an hour and half north of Albuquerque. Basically Starry Night Ranch is in the middle of nowhere. It sure was an eye opener about what can happen in the event of a serious horseback accident while riding in the back country, where there are no roads and no access by rescue vehicles.
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Well, that night I slept much better than the night before. Most of the anxiety and foreboding was gone, although I still felt some of the heavy burdens on my heart from my personal family problems at home. But the next day, Sunday, everyone wanted to go for a ride to erase the bad juju from the day before and end the weekend on a better note. I declined.
I wasn't going to tempt fate. And my heart just wasn't in it. I'd already ridden the trails that Julie planned to take Colleen's boarders, and I needed some time to myself to just decompress and find some peace. So, while everyone else went for a trail ride, I gathered some wine, snacks, and sat down in a chair on the front porch with my feet up, and just soaked in the peace, quiet and beautiful vistas.
When I was ready, I packed up my belongings, left a pile of money on the kitchen table for Julie, to thank her for her hospitality, and I went home.
The weekend wasn't a total tragedy and bad experience, though. The time away from home, especially the time I spent alone on Sunday, did help me think more clearly about a lot of things in my life.
