In my previous post I had hinted about why I was visiting other horses. I haven’t been ready or able to talk about this, especially not in detail. Mostly because I was afraid of waking up the Sleeping Giant, the big scary tiger who knows as soon as I open up that cage door just a little bit, he will come roaring, snarling out and make me face the turmoil that I am not wanting to deal with.
And that can be very scary.
So, when the Sleeping Giant rustles in it’s sleep or makes a sound, I’ve been holding my breathe and moving farther away, pushing those issues further away from me, so I won’t have to deal with them.
But last night I let my guard down for a minute when my friend asked me what my cryptic blog words were all about. I didn’t want to talk about it. I was even annoyed that she asked. But I was even more surprised at how fast the tiger rushed out as soon as the gate was open…..and how quickly the tears flowed. Where did all that come from? Crazy stuff….
When I fell off my horse on Christmas Eve, even with a severed ACL, I climbed back on my mare for a few minutes just to be sure I wasn’t afraid. And I wasn’t. And even 3 months after my surgery, when I was finally able to walk without crutches, I was actually looking forward to getting back on my horse again.
In hindsight, I was probably moving too fast, and maybe a little too focused on the ‘prize’, maybe even a little too obsessive. Definitely way too stubborn and independent. And that’s probably how I got myself to fall into this well again, trying to claw myself back out again…..a little wiser hopefully, and more patient, too.
How did this Sleeping Giant become what it is? The catalyst happened last weekend after the shearing of my llamas, goats and sheep. The woolies were naked, the barn was cleaned up, the shearer had gone home and my hubby had gone back down to the house.
I was alone.
With my horse.
The horse that almost killed me two weeks ago. The horse that not only got me seriously injured, requiring surgery the first time, but then injured me again.
All of the memories of the past year while riding my mare rushed back to me. Her barn sour-ness, her hissy fits, crowhops, ear pinning, her bolting and her constant testing of me to make sure I always meant what I asked her to do and was willing to back it up. And I couldn’t forget her ‘drunken sailor’ routine where she weaves and leans herself into the direction of the barn while trying to take back her head. Oh yes….and the fun ‘Tug-o-War’ games while on the trails with my mare pulling and leaning into the bridle and reins in the direction that SHE wanted to go. I’d get home and have to overdose on the ibuprofen for my sore back, neck and arm muscles.
Yep. That mare of mine really knew how to take some of the joy away from riding. Yes, there were some fun moments and even times where I felt my mare and I were a willing team working together, but the bad often outweighed the good.
After my flashback, I decided to walk into the paddock and check Baby Doll’s water bucket, but as I stood at the gate, my mare walked up to the gate, too, and stood there staring at me. I froze. And the craziest thing happened.
My chest tightened and I felt like I almost couldn’t breathe. I had the urge to run, but was frozen……..in fear. I was terrified!
I took a deep breath, gathered up my sanity, glanced at the water bucket, taking note that it was full, and without even looking at my mare again, turned around and climbed back into my truck and drove back to the house.
I can say it now.
I’m afraid of my horse.
Not just a little bit afraid, but very…very afraid.
As you can imagine, this really bothered me. Was I also afraid of ALL horses? Or was it just my mare? I had to find out, so that’s why I decided to visit with other horses. To see if those same feelings of panic came back.
They didn’t. Though I do have a healthy sense of respect for these huge, unpredictable, and therefore, dangerous creatures, and I find myself giving them a wider berth and always trying to think ahead to the possible ways in which they might hurt me, so I can keep myself out of danger.
But I’m still afraid of my own horse, and I’m not sure if I will ever get past that. For now I’m going to let Sleeping Giants lie.
(In the picture above you can see where the top pipe rail is missing. This is the rail that she broke the welds off of when she pulled back, causing the pipe rail to knock me down and slam me into the ground. This picture was taken 2 weeks ago a couple days after the incident)
From the Tower of,
50 comments :
Wow, you do have some soul searching to do.
I pray that you find peace in your decision to have a horse or NOT to have a horse or to find one more to your level of comfort and skill.
Baby Doll might just be one of those horses like Star who needs to be ridden everyday to be reminded who is the Alpha. I hope you find your horseie dream , I am trying to find mine right now too.
Hang in there and your path will be revealed when you least expect it.
Okay, Lisa, you've been very up front with your thoughts so I will be with mine. There is nothing wrong with you or your horse..Baby Doll is just not the right horse for you. You can have a passionate love for all horses but that doesn't mean you can get up on any and all horses and take off into the sunset. Even though it might break your heart to see Baby Doll go to a different home, think that Baby Doll might enjoy a different home. There is a horse out there that you can connect with and ride confidently. There are too many horses out there wanting to please someone and share that special bond with and vice versa for Baby Doll. Don't think of it as a sad time but a joyful time that you have come to this conclusion and both of you can move on. Just like you're aching for that special horse that you can bond with, there is someone out there aching for their "Baby Doll".
Don't give up your passion,
Oh no. I wasn't expecting to read this. I am so sorry. You made me cry. I had a BIG fear of horses for years. PG & Paint Girl had horses growing up. Just being around them close really scared me. Then I went to the desert and rode with my sisters and really wanted one. I am very fortunate to have found Dusty. He isn't perfect. He has his moments. But they are with things like fly spray, bathes, and worming. Which all need to be done and can be a struggle. But staying calm with him is the key.Things seem to really SCAR him. He is stubborn. But he is consistant in his temperment when riding and on the trail. But I know there is always that chance that things can go wrong. I still feel safe when with him. I know you will figure it out. Paint Girl posted about being thrown by the OH's and still fearful riding Fritzi. I'' keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry!
Horses are supposed to be something you can enjoy and care for, not run from D:
Have you tried getting a trainer out willing to work with you and baby doll to get your confidence in each other back.
I can't honestly say I know how you feel. I can't remember being afraid of a horse before. I can remember being very cautious and now that I broke my nose I am very aware of where horses flinging noses are but thats it.
I hope for you this is just a phase.
Well, I'm glad to know that in all of this, you haven't lost your sense of... well, maybe not humor, but irony? Sarcasm? That picture you chose to post after the words, "I was alone... With my horse" is perfect. She looks like she's eyeing you, and I instantly had visions of gunfights. Lisa the Brave faces off with Baby Doll, the most feared gunslinger in the Wild West!
LOL.
I hope before you decide from visiting with other horses that it's just Baby Doll you're afraid of, you'll actually visit within a few fences. It's not really the same with a fence between you and the beast.
Being afraid definitely takes the fun out of it. Sometimes I think I should just push fear away, but truthfully, horses are dangerous, and I think some level of fear makes us be more cautious, and is therefore good thing. Trying to determine if you are afraid of all horses or just your horse is an interesting tactic. I don't think I ever got beyond "I fell -- therefore I fear" in my own thinking.
oh lisa...what a dilemma this is for you. a huge one. when you are ready to ride again are you going to try another horse rather than chance it with baby doll? is that something you are going around with in your mind? i think i would be very hesitant to get back on her given her track record and all of what you've written here. i am sure you will work through it in time. do take care my friend. hugs and many good thoughts from me to YOU!
The others left good and sound remarks. Not every horse is for ever person. My stepmom's horse was the love of her life. As a dressage (sp?) champion, she and that horse could do amazing things together and it was like magic to watch. But I just couldn't like that horse and was afraid of him. We just weren't right for each other. Yes, my dad's big ole Tenn Walker and I bonded like big babies in a playpen. And our old mare Beauty (guess how she got that name) could run like the wind even though she was old. It isn't that her horse was stuck up or bad, since he certainly wasn't and even severely disabled kids could ride him with confident happiness. It was that we just weren't right for each other. As much as you may love your girl, it may be that she just isn't right for you and knows it.
If you can find her the right home, a for real home where she will always be loved and not a schill for a slaughter collector, then maybe she should go be with the one that is waiting for her.
As a side note, my step mom was exercising a high tension frisky and pregnant mare when she rolled over on top of her, on her back with my stepmom underneath. Due to her big belly, she couldn't get up, so she thrashed up and down, crushing her further and further. She was so badly hurt that it was touch and go and she was forever disabled. But she knew the horse loved her and she loved the horse. I know she had her demons after that and it took time, but she allowed herself the time. She allowed herself the moment of fear when it came and just rode that before she tried to ride the horse.
Maybe you need more time and a horse coach to come help you work it out too.
Your post so touched my heart. I hope you find peace.
Blessings!
I'm not surprised. You can only take so many hits before something in your head says 'hey, be careful'. You just reached your limit. It reminded me of a few years ago when I worked in a computer room which was air conditioned and carpeted, so every time you walked around in there a bit you'd build up a static charge, and when you grabbed the doorknob to leave you'd get a little shock. It wasn't even painful, just a little zap. But one day I found myself stuck in the room, unable to force myself to grab that doorknob to get out. I would reach for it and my hand would stop. I'd say, ok this is silly, just grab it, and I couldn't. I was actually hoping someone would come in so I could leave! My brain just said 'hey, we get zapped everytime we touch that thing, DON'T TOUCH THAT!'. Sometimes our brains deserve more credit than we give them.
Let that sleeping giant lie a bit longer. But I wouldn't be surprised if maybe there was a better match out there for you. Your descriptions of crowhopping, tug-o-war, and drunken sailor routines doesn't exactly sound like fun. Maybe BD would be better off with someone who really enjoys a challenge and you could find a nice horse who isn't quite so much of a workout everytime. Makes me miss my sweet mellow gelding I rode at lessons. I was still wary around him even though he never really gave me a reason to be, but he never acted up like you describe BD doing.
Good luck, I'm sure there'sa long road of soul searching ahead and only you can find the answers.
I hope everything works out for you and your horse...so glad you shared your inter most feelings with us...it is amazing how much better it makes you feel...have a good weekend
I so hope everything works out for you - whether it be with Baby Doll or a totally different horse! Yes, they are scarey and big and we can get hurt, but they can also be your best friend and confidant. Take your time - and don't rush into anything until you are totally better. Good luck!
Kris
get rid of baby doll and get an older calm horse!! it doesnt matter what color!! THERE IS NO BAD COLOR FOR A GOOD HORSE!! take your time in finding this good calm older horse then start slowly riding again and as nothing bad happens you will find joy riding again I KNOW BEEN THERE DONE THAT!! IT WORKS!! MAY GOD BLESS YOU
Lisa, I didn't realize until these past few weeks that BD is more of a challenge than I originally thought. Even looking at the pics of Val riding her, you could see her pushing and testing the rider. This mare should probably have more training, and a good job, where she has to work hard and have a focus. Whether it's with you or someone else. But I think it's with someone else. She's a beautiful horse and I know you love her, but I think you'd be happier with a safer horse with a good attitude, that you can enjoy leisurely trail rides on with your kids and neighbor. Don't feel guilty for making a decision that is best for you, BD will find the right person for her. You can gain your confidence back with another horse. My heart aches for you to have to go through this, it certainly can't be easy. But having a horse in your family that you can check the water bucket of, without feeling panic, is important. Take care my friend!
Lisa HUGS!! I wish I could help with this. Just let it be for a bit, the answer will come to you. It seems when we are struggling for an answer it is hard to find. We we release it and trust, the answer comes. Whatever you decide will be for the best.
I am so sorry Lisa, you need to do what is best for you, and you need to be safe. Fear is something that can take a hold of us and than won't let go!
I would also give it time, I don't think BD was trying to hurt you intentionally. Maybe go out to the barn everyday and see how you feel on a day to day basis. Remember when you used to go sit in her pasture? And BD would come up to you, check you out.
After my accident with Fritzy, I also wasn't scared of other horses, I had no problem getting on Brandy. It was just Fritzy I was scared of.
I believe that you are not scared of horses, you are just scared of the horse that hurt you.
Take care of yourself!
Lisa, thank you for the comments on my posts and yes we have crawled over this house as we are making it. You should have seen the floor as we built it... I felt like a monkey. Fun, fun but my honey is always careful about safety and thats a good thing.
Have you thought possibly about getting a gelding for your next ponie? back aways I really, really wanted a horse and I would talk to everyone about it. Well, one woman told me I should definitely stay away from mares especially for my first horse, and I remember my aunt saying how her mares were always so unreliable, just when you thought you had them figured out. They are female after all, something to think about in case you choose to move forward and let Baby Doll move on as well.
I wish you well in this tough decision.
I've come to live by this motto of 'With Ease and Grace'. I figure life is so wonderful and full of everything we want so it might as well be with ease and grace that abundance comes our way and we have the right to have life that way if we choose.
peace n abundance
CheyAnne
I know from your past posts that BD has been a challenge... until this post I didn't realize quite how much of a challenge.
You always had put the best spin on the bad stuff before. It seemed more like a challenge you relished than the bummer it was.
It sounds like you're coming to the same realization I did last fall when I sold Quinn (my 'dream horse' turned nightmare).
IMO you should find a new home for BD and a new horse to be your partner.
It took me a LONG time to do that with Quinn, I gave him way too many chances and things could have turned out a LOT worse than they did.
Think of it this way, horses are like people... we can't all get along with everyone. You need to find someone who's personality works better with yours.
Take heart, it took courage to come out and say this.
Wow. Heavy stuff. That's a hard thing to admit, to yourself, much less to anyone else. Now that you have, though, you can work on finding a solution. The thing about scary stuff is that once it's exposed to the light, it's easier to deal with. There are a lot of wise women weighing in here and I would tend to agree with those who think it may be time to let someone else care for Baby Doll. It may be the greatest act of love you can make for both BD and yourself. Hon, there's no point in having a horse if you're afraid to be around it. Take your time and find a horse who has a quiet demeanor and a gentle spirit. I think pretty much all of them will test a bit and see if they can get away with stuff, but not every one will be aggressively assertive about it. I don't think BabyDoll is a bad horse or a mean one, she's just discovered that she kinda likes being left alone to graze and hang out and not work so hard.
Take some time to work this through. Whatever you decide to do will be the right choice for you. And, if you should decide to let Baby Doll go, it won't be because you don't love her.
BTW, I wanted to thank you for being so open with your thoughts and feelings about your Mom & Step Mom over at my place the other day.
*Hugs*
Carolynn
Lisa,
Courage is not an absence of fear, it's facing fear and still doing what is scaring you.
That's also the same definition of insanity.
I think as women we don't ever want to give up on love. As if we are somehow flawed if we break off a relationship that begins with so much promise. It's our nature to be hopeful.
Still, I'm pretty sure holding onto BD would fit the definition of insanity - you've already been courageous for too long trying to work through this.
(Heck, your horse scares ME. And I'm just in blog land. )
Love makes us crazy. But not that crazy...
Hey Girl- There are times when we have to cowgirl up. And there are times when the smart thing is to cut your losses and walk away While You Still Can.
You know how to Cowgirl up. You learned the hard way.
Now, should you choose to Walk Away, you'll be armed with a lot more knowledge and skill when the next horse comes along.
Baby Doll had a lot to offer you, and you learned more than you know from her challenges. That knowledge will march on to make you a stronger horse owner, rider, and person.
Whatever you decide to do, know that there are a whole lot of people out here who will stand with you, no matter what! ;)
WOW! I hope you find the answers you are looking for, maybe you should get a minature horse..:-)
I feel for you. Fear is very real! I would like to suggest a book for you to read, "Move CLoser, Stay Longer" by Stephanie Burns. She has helped a lot of people.
Well said. You know if you want to visit again and talk with Betty at any time you're more than welcome.
Dan
I just want to add that I grew up in a family where however an animal arrived in our family, it was there for life. I used to think there was nothing worse than someone who uprooted an animal and gave it up to a new home. But over the years I have discovered that animals are just like people, they have their own individual personalities, and it may not mesh with our family. We discovered this with a parrot we had for ten years. I loved her dearly, but by the time I gave up and found her a new home she had well worn out her welcome in every way possible. But the home I found for her turned out to be the perfect home, and she is so much happier there to this day than she ever was with us, and we are so happy (and safer) for her to be gone!
Now I believe animals have their own life journey, just like we do, with twists and turns. You have a responsibility to make sure your animals end up in the best home possible, without regard for finances. But the best home for an individual may not be your home, and it's better to acknowledge that without guilt or blame, and be able to do the right thing, than to struggle on and live together in misery.
I'm glad you still have your love of horses (and adorable burros) despite what you've been through. Many would have changed their minds about that, and who would blame them. I think there is a more mellow horse out there for you.
Lisa, I think your heart already knows. Just look how happy Betty is now. I'm no expert, but I've seen enough horses at our youth ranch to know there is a big difference between the easy and the hard ones. Good luck, my friend. I think if we could fast forward this blog to a year from now, we're going to find a happy and relaxed Lisa who loves riding once again!
Oh LIsa, I'm so sorry your heart is so heavy.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. Luke (my horse) and I never recovered from my accident. I spent a few thousand dollars on training for him and me after my our wreck, but I never was able to tackle that fear. He knew it, too. As my trainer said, "he has your number".
I wish I could help you. I'm glad you're trying to figure out if it's all horses or just BD. That bodes well for your state of mind.
If you decide to sell her, the first place to try is the person you bought her from. She's a beauty and they might want her back for breeding.
Horseback riding should be a joy for a beginner. Not a source of fear.
Much love, prayers and hugs,
CeeCee
Just as people are different so are horses. Being that you were a novice at first BabyDoll might just have been too much for you. Don't let your fear of her make you never try again with other horses. She sounds like she needs LOTS of ground work to make her more respectful and you need to be around horses that are more mellow and willing to listen to you. Speaking as someone who has been on the receiving end of an hornery horse you just can't let one take all the joy away.
You've really gotten past a big obstacle, admitting fear to yourself. As Carolynn said above, now that you've admitted to your fear, it may be easier to figure out what to do about it.
Seems like the "polls" above are opting for a horsey divorce. But all we know is what you present to us, and obviously when you wrote this, you were focused on the bad stuff. Still, wouldn't it be nice to not have all that baggage when you walk out to the barn?
Ah, Baby Doll, you should be in a telenovela, you little minx.
Good luck, Lisa. There's not only one right decision; either way you go, BD will have a good home.
{hugs}
Well, just think about it. If you are still scared after you sit on it for a few weeks, then maybe you should reconsider your choice to persist in your riding hobby on Baby Doll. If you're scared of just her, you need to either get a prof. trainer out here and get your confidence back, or you need to move on to a different horse.
Good Luck!
Lydia
wow, very sad, and interesting. your mind has created a defense mechanism that signals your body of the danger of the situation that almost got you killed twice lately. your logical mind has nothing to do with this - this is a psychosomatic response to protect you from further injury. i've felt that, but not as intensely as you. after i got kicked in the head, my body would freeze up in the similar situation, even with no horse around. (i don't go crawling under fences in the dark anymore.)
i'm so glad your roadside horses cause no anxiety!
~lytha
Your fear is very real and your horse smells it; it's a vicious circle. Have you heard of American Curly horses? They are known for their gentle disposition, dreadlocks and to a great many folks are hypoallergenic.
Visit my website thistlecovefarm.com to see photos and read more about them. They are the ONLY horse I'd have because at middle age and an un-experienced horsewoman, that gentleness is something I NEED. I've had children on one of my mares and the mare had never been ridden. Of course, I was there beside the child but the mare just stood and watched the proceedings while the child's parent took photos. Truly, these horses are *amazing*!
Well I think that everybody else has already said just about everything that I can think of, but I think that only one person (Katherine?) touched on my one concern for you: that this fear may carry on to other horses when there is not a fence separating you.
I can honestly say that I have never been fearful of a horse on the ground. My unease only comes out when I am at their mercy on their backs. Honestly? You might want to get an old, quiet, proven horse, such as Val's Nadia. And while it may not be the "ideal" horse for you once you regain your confidence (if you ever fully do)it would at least be a horse that could become your partner, and help you on your journey to recovery.
It would also be a good mount for your kidlets and there is definitley never a shortage of older horses that people want to get rid of (sad but true). I am so sorry that all of this has happened to you, and I do think that you are making a wise decision.
BD just seems like she has a lot of non-beginner issues, and even if you are no a true beginner, you are a wife and mother, and don't want a horse that you have to fight with or worry about getting hurt on/with.
Again...my heart aches for you, and whatever you decide, I will support you (I sound like a broken record!!).
Hang in there! :)
PS-My word verification is "ducks." You need to get some ducks!!! LOL!!!
Sorry for all of the typos!!!!
Good grief! :)
Lisa, hang in there, whatever decision, you end up making. It took me 6 years to give up a gelding I loved and really wasn't afriad of, but was a constant challenge on the trail and after he came back from a crappy trainer, not his fault and nearly launched me over a fence, I decided. He ended up with a good home and a job he loves and was born to do. It was hard, because I loved him, but he knew he could get away with certain things with me and we weren't good for each other. Good luck! On another note, I again had another gelding that I had for only a month and in the begining all was great, until he did launch me and sent me to the hospital, that decision, I made immediately, because I knew I would always be afraid of him, he too found another suitable home. I took my time with Kola. She's a good girl, but because of my past experiences, the only horse I have that I'm truly comfortable with is Misty. I know Kola is fine, but I have taken my time with her and allowed her to get used to me and with every passing month/year, I see her calmer and extremely respectful, as she has learned me. That fear is a hard one to shake. I guess what I'm saying, I think we've all been there. Once that confidence is shaken, it's really, I mean really hard to get back.
I feel for you! I have been around horses all my life, but never actually owned one until a year ago. I never realized how much fear I had in me until I was the one that had to actually saddle my horse and everything that goes with that. I think it will get better when we build our house and I'm with them every day, but until then it doesn't take much to spook me!
We have a black and white paint too. We were told she was kid broke. Turns out they meant they could put a saddle on her and lead the kids around. She didn't even know how to go. We sent her to a friend to ride for a couple of weeks, she came back a different horse and we do actually let our 12 year old ride her. Maybe that's an option you should take. Let someone ride her for a couple of weeks, take some of the headstrong stubborness out of her?
I hope you heal fast and can re-establish a relationship with your mare.
Girl, that is how I am with Ozzie. Exactly how I am with Ozzie. I know how to train horses. I know how to ride horses. I have been paid to train horses. I used to give riding lessons to people. It was my job. But here was this four year old gelding that scared the pants right off me. So, what did I do? I sent him to a trainer that wasn't scared of him.
And that trainer fixed a lot of the problems I was having. And, now, I ride in the round pen until I feel safe with going outside the round pen. I have been feeling a bit more confident. It takes a while to come back.
But I am planning on selling Ozzie. He deserves to be somewhere where he can be pampered and ridden and loved by someone who isn't terrified of him.
Don't feel bad. I can ride my other horses and feel just fine. It's just Ozzie that scares the pants right off of me. I will ride Peanut anywhere, but Ozzie, nope we stay where I feel safe.
And as far as the barn sourness goes. Some horses are just like that and the only way to fix it is to ride. And not ever let the horse give you fits. I was not able to do that with Ozzie, but that trainer I had sure fixed that problem.
I think if you are not having fun with her then you have two choices. Either you train her or send her to a trainer to fix the problems. Or find another horse that doesn't do those things. One that makes you feel comfortable, lets you have fun on trail rides. One that won't freak out while deworming.
I love my horses, but I don't get so super attached to where I can't say, "this horse needs to move on, to someone who can take better care of them." Like with Ozzie, he needs someone who isn't freaked out by him. So, I will ride him and get him going, and then take him to a jumper barn in Houston, Texas and sell him. Sell him to a person who will show him and pamper him and love him, and not be freaked out by him.
Okay, now that I have written a novel. I know where you are coming from and I know how you feel, I feel it every day. I get nervous around the foals, I get nervous bringing horses in to feed, I get nervous to ride. But the more I do it, the better I get. I just feel a lot better with my old mare and the kids' gelding.
Sending you big ((((HUGS)))), I know it's frustrating. I don't want to be freaked out, but you just can't help to feel that way. It stinks.
Sorry to hear about all your troubles. I also have owned horses that have "frightened" or "scared" me for what ever reason. I'm not easily scared or afraid of horses, but I do know when it's time to find a different horse. Only you can know for sure, but seriously if you are afraid of your own horse, but not others, you should really look at "trading" in your horse for another. I know some people believe that once you get a horse you should keep it for life, but that's not always the case. Horses aren't as easy to keep as other pets and there are just some horses that don't get along well with certain people. I see in one of your posts that you really liked that donkey, my mom bred and raised donkeys for nearly 15 years. Donkeys are much different then horses and if you find a nice mammoth donkey you might never want another horse again. Anyway what happens all depends on you and your horse. All I can say is that if this had been my horse, she'd already have been gone to a new home and I'd be looking or have a different horse. Good Luck in your search for what to do about your horse
I am glad that you have faced your "sleeping giant".Fear is a survival instinct; listen to your instincts and act upon them with reason. I too had a horse that I was afraid of; we were riding circles and ghe fell down. It wasn't a big deal, but I lost my faith in him and was always fearful with him. I couldn't understand it as he was a gentle horse. I kept riding him, but within a year I found another home for him. There are so many good horses out there that we don't need to prove that we can conquer our fear with one that has hurt us; it's okay to move on and love another horse that meets our needs in a safer way. Safety is the most important thing, especially when you have children who depend on you.
I teach an adult riding program and every single one of them, including me, have gone through experiences that made them/us afraid. It's one of the things I do in my program, help people work through the fear so know you aren't alone in this. That said, each of those students now has a horse that they trust and that makes all of the difference.
I am a very experienced rider/trainer/instructor but I recently rehomed a horse that ten years ago I could easily have rehabbed. But that's not what I want to do now! I already had to have wrist surgery due to his explosive reactions so he went to a good rescue and I got a very sweet and realiable gelding instead and the whole herd is happier. And, I don't have to worry so much about being injured for whatever amount of time I have left to ride. Carmon
What an outpouring of response to this post! It's because everyone participating in this journal wants what's best for every horse, and for every owner. If only this love could spread to all the horses, all the animals, and all the owners.
Lisa, it sounds like your readers will support you overwhelmingly if you decide to sell Baby Doll. I just want to mention something that hasn't yet been brought up: that if you decide to sell her, you DO at least have a responsibility to make sure that she goes to a good home. I would recommend putting a clause into your sale contract that she is not to be sold to slaughter, and perhaps even that the buyer must offer her first to you if they ever decide to resell her. I've never written one, but I'm sure with a little research you can find some information online on what to put into the contract to prevent her from going to slaughter. No matter how nice her buyers seem, I think it is a necessary precaution -- the only buyer who would complain about such a contract is one who has bad intentions.
You are very brave to explore your own heart and to share what you have found there with all of us. That is truly a strength that you have Lisa.
I have been thrown and injured by more than one horse in my life. Mostly when I was a kid. It doesn't have to be a large horse that hurts you either. My worst injury was from a nasty tempered shetland pony mare. Knocked me unconscious for a few minutes. I still remember the pain and that was 38 years ago.
You will choose the right path for you. It will bring you peace.
Hi Lisa! Boy you have been given lots of advice and I pray that you will feel at peace with whatever decision you make. I know what you are feeling because I have been exactly there where you are, the fear of your horse. My horse is in the back paddock till I overcome that fear which is so sad because I dont have the time or help to overcome it.
You have overcome a lot of things laterly and I know you can overcome this fear, you desire to be with your horse and you really enjoy spending time with her. I think with the fearful experiences you have had lately and your realization that horse can be dangerous you are feeding your fear.Baby Doll is not a monster she is the horse you fell in love with you just need baby steps to gain confidence with her again to rebond with her. I know your good friend Val will help you overcome your fear and encourage you and Baby Doll get through this.
With much love
x0x0x0x0
Lisa!
Wow..very forward and honest speaking..I know it has been rough to come to this and I am soo happy you did come to this...though, you still are making vital desicions, time is on your side..thinking of the song playing..the mountains will be there tomorrow and earth moving is a long process sometimes so, take your time. You have such a good grasp on what is going on and don;t beat yourself up..loss is hard, even if it is Chosen...it's still loss.
My E-mail is down still but I do recall what you wrote to me about...and maybe that could be something to look into still.
I know what you choose will be good...just believe that..take your time!
Much Love~
Kac
I'm feeling you here sister. My mare bucked me off last Wed. It was my fault because I didn't heed her warnings of hopping around with me because I cinched her girth too tight, and I didn't listen to my brain. Sometimes your brain knows best :) and our hearts get in the way. The picture of you and Baby Doll "alone" was quite ominous I must agree. If your brain is telling you enough is enough, then maybe it is. Maybe she needs to be with one of those fearless younger people who know when and how to make the horse do what it is being told to do. Sometimes I have second thoughts and when I got on my girl today, I was having those. I was really iffy and I know they can tell when you are hesitant. Granted, I haven't gotten nearly as hurt as you did, but sometimes I wonder if and when it will happen. I am still sore, which is longer than I ever have been. Maybe you do need to let her go to someone else who has the time, patience and a quicker heeling body :) There are so many horses out there that would be better for you. Maybe an older gelding who doesn't have the attitude of a mare :) We know how those are, don't we? Dang mares. We love them, but sometimes their minds are more adament than ours. I don't know if a trainer would help you get your confidence back with her or not. It's a decision you and only you will have to make. I feel for you. We are all here to support your decision whichever path it takes you :) Take your time to make sure whatever choice you make is really the one for YOU.
Lisa, I have a huge respect for your honesty, that is not an easy admittion to make. I am so sorry that your mare's surly behaviour has brought you to this. It is probably cold comfort right now but there are some very kind, gentle horses out there, waiting for you to find them - personally I wouldn't mind betting on a gelding rather than a mare. I had all my biggest issues with mares and always found geldings and even stallions far easier to work with. I think you are incredibly brave to face up to this giant.
I've been away for the weekend and finally catching up on the blogs. I'm sorry to read your post but certainly can understand. Its funny how "the dream" can sometimes take over the "reality". The good times may be fewer, but we block out those not so good times and celebrate our successes. But eventually, the truth finds it way to the surface again.
I can tell from this blog that your fear is real. Take your time and whatever you do, look out for number one. You. Sometimes as much as we want the dream, it just isn't a match. No ones fault. You may have to give up that particular horse to save your passion. Good luck!
Oy - I hope you are completely recovered by now.
I could totally relate to this post... and ironically, it's not related to the mare that I just fell from on Saturday.
She's been my confidence builder after a major fear of horses. My first horse was supposed to be good for beginners - and she was terrific until we brought her home and the drugs wore off.
Being deaf and having to constantly be aware of a horse that habitually charges you out of nowhere was terrifying. Kona taught me that horses can be sweet and have good ground manners.
There is still an element of fear for me, which I hate to admit. But I am working on keeping the common-sense part without the "ohmygosh any horse can kill me at any moment" terror.
You have good friends... I was really blessed by the good advice you received in your comments.
Now... If I can only learn how to perform a one rein stop while sideways in the saddle, I'll be set :)
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