In a Tight Spot

 

As I was catching up on my friend Gail’s blog, At the Farm, I read a post with a prophetic and thought-provoking e-mail that she shared. Gail was relating it to what is going on her life, but I couldn’t help but question how it might relate to my own life, too.

(All Photos from my archives. My twinling, Jax riding Baby Doll in the round pen, last April)

~~"Life is not what you see, but what you've projected.  It's not what you've felt, but what you've decided. It's not what you've experienced, but how you've remembered it.  It's not what you've forged, but what you've allowed. And it's not who's appeared, but who you've summoned.  And this should serve you well  until you find, what you already have."~~

On Sunday, after I prepared Baby Doll’s breakfast in the tack room, I turned to step out of the tack room and came face to face with a horse’s head. It seems I forgot to latch the barn gate and Baby Doll had walked right in to see what I was up to in there.

 I cried out in surprise to find her standing there and moved her backwards, out of the doorway, by pointing my finger at her.

When I was able to step out of the tack room, I realized that my mare was facing the wrong direction to leave the barn, and the area that she was in is rather cramped and only about 7’ long x 4’ wide. I asked her to back up, but she was at the incorrect angle and just bumped her butt into the gate post and wall instead.

I began to get that panicked feeling, bringing back the memory of what happened this past summer, when my mare sat back, while tied, and broke the weld off our pipe railing, causing the pipe to slam me down onto the ground and break my knee.

I imagined her trying to back-up and then becoming upset and running forward, into me.

~“Life is not what you see, but what you've projected.”

“It's not what you've felt, but what you've decided. It's not what you've experienced, but how you've remembered it.”~

Baby Doll was very calm, though. As if she sensed that I was worried, and wanted me to know that she was not.   

In the past, before my horse-related injuries I wouldn’t have thought twice about moving my mare firmly out of the barn, but apparently I’ve not moved past my fears from what happened to me. And I strongly dislike feeling that kind of fear because it doesn’t feel natural to me. I don’t like that tightening of my chest, my heart racing, and the crazy butterflies in my stomach.

Somehow I got my senses under control enough to step to the side and into the aisle way of the barn, which is basically just a 2’ wide pathway between the pallets stacked with hay and the stalls. Looking back I am also surprised that Baby Doll had no interest in moving into that narrow area to steal some hay. She could have easily run over me to get in there.

She didn’t even seem all that eager to have her cup of of grain that I give her each morning. My mare just acted as if her only agenda was to be in that space with me.  Just to hang out. But in hindsight, I realize that I’ve not let my guard down to trust my horse since she hurt me last Christmas.

And at the time, I was too fearful of getting hurt and I wasn’t open to her gesture of closeness. I just wanted her out of my space so I could feel safe again.

~“It's not what you've forged, but what you've allowed.”~

Interestingly, I believe she sensed my uneasiness, and when I asked her verbally to turn around, she obediently complied. Then Baby Doll somehow managed to turn her large frame around tightly, and quietly in that small space and walk right out of the barn, where she stood waiting for me. Gazing at me, as though she was trying to tell me something important.

  

~"And it's not who's appeared, but who we have summoned. And this should serve you well, until you find, what you already have.”~