Letting Go of the Rope

 

(This is a very long post, so if you’re ready to sit down and read, be sure to use the potty first, grab a beverage and a snack, too) (The song I chose for this post is by Jennifer Hanson: “Beautiful Goodbye”, followed by Nickelback: “Far Away”)

“There are times when we are dealing with horses and/or people and life in general, that things just go wrong in a hurry. And while we are taught to be determined, and ‘stay the course’, if it is putting us in danger of being hurt, it is ok sometimes to just ‘let go of the rope’. Take a second to regroup and either try again, or in some cases move on.“

~ Quote by Fern Valley Appaloosas

 

For me, it was time to move on……………….

I did have a close bond with my mare. We had been through a lot together, both good and very, very bad. I was familiar with her and knew the worst that she would do. That should have made me feel safer, but it didn’t.
I realized that she could hurt me and I knew she could be unpredictable and spooky. And I was aware that Baby Doll demanded a very strong, confidant leader because of how how stubborn, independent and how much of an alpha mare she was.

 

I finally admitted that I was not able to be the alpha that she needed and demanded.

Even though she has taught me a lot in the 2 years that I owned her, Baby Doll was my first horse.  She was supposed to be my Forever Horse. But she was a challenge I think I knew, from the very start, that I was not cut out for.

Many emotions were moving through me the day that I sat up on her back again, the day after Christmas, a year after I fell off of her and severed my ACL.

The biggest emotion I felt was relief. I had conquered my fear and had got back up on the horse that seriously injured me, not once, but twice. I also felt satisfied.

I didn’t have any desire to get back up on her again. I knew in my heart I could never fully trust her again. I was finished and felt complete.

I had come to the realization that Baby Doll had the power to cause me to quit riding horses forever. Between the physical injuries, the emotional scarring, the loss of self-confidence and the the fear of her hurting me yet again, I had no desire to ride her anymore.

 

My mare and I had come full circle together. I fell in love with her as we bonded in the beginning, but then after the multiple injuries caused by her, I wanted Baby Doll gone and could barely stand the sight of her. And finally, in the end, we had re-built that bond and affection for one another again.

Which only made it so much harder to say goodbye.

 

But maybe that's the way it was supposed to be.

 

She was and always will be my ‘heart’ horse and I love her so much it hurts deeply to the center of my core, and I've cried oceans of tears over giving her up.  But, she caused me too much sadness, frustration and pain.

I finally came to the realization that I'm not the only person who can provide a good home for my horse. And I understand now that it was selfish of me to think that only I could provide the best home for her. Keeping her because I love her, and didn’t want to give her up was not in my mare’s best interests. She deserved more than that.

 

 

A blog post over at Mugwump Chronicles ~" Do we love them too much" really struck a  chord with me and helped me to finally move forward.

Baby Doll requires a confidant, strong alpha to ride her and I knew I could not be that kind of rider for her. It hurts to admit that, but the truth often does.....

 

 

Baby Doll knew how to act to scare me and other riders so she could get out of working. She wasn't a mean horse and never tried to purposefully throw me off. She just did little things, like the crow-hops, head tossing, ears pinned, jigging, spinning, etc. Quite a few people warned me or showed concern that Baby Doll was probably not the best horse for me, but it wasn’t until this past year, that I finally realized and accepted that it was true.

 

Some people tried to be helpful and gave me lots of great advice over the past 2 years, and sometimes conflicting advice. I think some folks just expected me to fix something that was way over my head and that I just didn’t have the experience to fix. It's like giving someone a book on brain surgery and telling them, that after they’ve read it, to go ahead and attempt to operate on a brain. Ummmm, it would not be pretty.

I had my mare listed for sale a number of times over the past year, and I had many inquiries and a number of people ride her, but none seemed to be the perfect fit.  I had Baby Doll checked out and she was healthy, strong and had no serious issues except a little mild arthritis in her right hock. She had no cataracts, no pain, no ribs out, and didn't require any chiro adjustments, though she did receive a nice equine massage. Her teeth didn’t even have any sharp points.  Baby Doll was in good condition and all the saddles we tried on her fit well, too.

Last Thursday, a young married couple, B & T, came over to meet Baby Doll and possibly buy her for the husband, T. The wife, B, has been riding since she was in diapers and had been active in 4H, rodeo, and reining events. The husband, T, has been riding for over 4 years and works at a cattle ranch every summer. They both attend college in Portales, NM though they call Texas their home.

(This photo is from the vet clinic after Baby Doll passed her Vet Check. This is the last photo I took of her. She was very tired as it had been a busy day. But she still had a 3 hour ride in the trailer to get to her new home that night)

B has her reining horse mare to ride and T had been riding their 24 year old gelding, but he was getting too arthritic to even load into the trailer and became too tired on the trails.

I felt good that Baby Doll might end up as a ‘Husband Horse’ because she had always done better when Ranchman John rode her and she seemed to respect men more than women, too. In fact Ranchman John had wanted to keep Baby Doll as his horse, but he’s just too busy to ride and in two years had only ridden her twice.  He loves having horses around, but his focus isn’t on learning how to ride, like T’s focus is.

When the young couple showed up on Thursday, I made sure they knew that Baby Doll had not been ridden for over 7 months and she had gotten spoiled and lazy and tended to be barn sour. B had no issues with having to give Baby Doll a tune-up and put her back to work if they bought her.

When the husband and wife each first got up on Baby Doll, she tried her usual tricks: the belligerent head tossing, pissy pinned ears and the defiant crow-hops and then tried to pull them to the barn so she could convince them to dismount. But I was impressed. They had her number and weren't impressed or intimidated by her attitude at all. They rode her with experience and confidence and within 20 minutes Baby Doll gave in and cooperated. It was beautiful. 

I also liked that they were happy to try Baby Doll’s Dr. Cook’s Bitless Bridle after realizing that she wasn’t able to relax in the snaffle bit. They were already planning on buying a new Dr. Cook’s Bitless Bridle for Baby Doll once they got her home, too.

I was also touched to see T give Baby Doll a hug several times on both Thursday and Saturday. Both B & T spent some time grooming her and getting to know her, too.

(This photo is from the vet clinic. T was so excited to put the new black halter on Baby Doll that he had bought her.)

They drove the 3 hours back down to Portales that night, but called me the next day to say they really liked Baby Doll and wanted to come back on Saturday to ride her again and have her full vet check completed on Saturday afternoon.

It was really muddy around here, the boot-sucking kind, but I let them take Baby Doll out on some back roads and trails around our house and they walked, trotted and loped her all over the place.

She tried some more of her defiant tricks a few times, but they were in vain. T just made her work harder. He had already fallen in love with my mare and I could already see a relationship forming between them. I felt sad, but also relieved and happy. It was rather bittersweet, actually.

And he loved her spunky attitude, too. When Baby Doll tried to run off with him, he laughed and made her run faster. It was just what Baby Doll needs. I would have probably taken her back home had she pulled the same thing with me, especially after my injuries that she caused.

(A photo from the vet clinic, just before we unloaded her to go through her Vet Check)

I had to wait a year to find the best home to sell my mare to, and I ended up taking a big loss in the sale, but knowing that she's in a situation that’s a better fit for her is worth that loss.

I’ve been wanting to blog about this all week, but I’ve just been too sad and the words just wouldn’t come out. I’m still finding it difficult to go up to the barn and take care of my other animals right now. Without Baby Doll or any horses up there, it's just a sad place to be. Thankfully John has taken over that job for now. I think I've got a case of  'empty barn syndrome' .

As for Rosie, she’s not for sale. My friend Colleen uses her for her trail riding business, and as everyone knows it’s not easy to find a calm, gentle, forgiving, patient horse that anyone can ride. So, yes Rosie is worth her weight in gold.

I do want to find a horse similar to Rosie, though. Rosie made me realize that I never really felt safe or confidant on Baby Doll and because of her I had almost lost my joy of riding.

Riding is supposed to be enjoyable, and I've had lots of fun riding Rosie. She’s so intuitive that she actually seems to know just how much energy to give you and what you're ready for. I remember the first time I asked her to trot. She hesitated and seemed to be asking me, "Are you sure you're ready?" And when I clucked a second time, off she went, slowly and in a controlled manner.

Baby Doll never did that. She took off in a trot like a crazy camel and jack-hammered her front end until my back and neck ached. I never had fun trotting Baby Doll. In fact I never knew that trotting or loping could be fun at all. All the horses I've ridden in the past have been ranch, rental horses or friend's horses and we usually just walked down a trail. Rosie made me realize that riding faster can be fun, and I’m looking forward to more!

(This photo is from the clinic from two weekends ago. Rosie and I are the third horse and rider from the left)

But I will always have a special place in my heart for my beautiful Baby Doll. I will be keeping in touch with her new owners and hope to visit Baby Doll this summer. I’m glad that she has a new beginning for her life and I have faith that B &T will dote on her and take good care of her while being consistent and firm and providing her the best life any horse could ever ask for.

But I sure will miss her, just the same……..