Letting Go of the Rope

 

(This is a very long post, so if you’re ready to sit down and read, be sure to use the potty first, grab a beverage and a snack, too) (The song I chose for this post is by Jennifer Hanson: “Beautiful Goodbye”, followed by Nickelback: “Far Away”)

“There are times when we are dealing with horses and/or people and life in general, that things just go wrong in a hurry. And while we are taught to be determined, and ‘stay the course’, if it is putting us in danger of being hurt, it is ok sometimes to just ‘let go of the rope’. Take a second to regroup and either try again, or in some cases move on.“

~ Quote by Fern Valley Appaloosas

 

For me, it was time to move on……………….

I did have a close bond with my mare. We had been through a lot together, both good and very, very bad. I was familiar with her and knew the worst that she would do. That should have made me feel safer, but it didn’t.
I realized that she could hurt me and I knew she could be unpredictable and spooky. And I was aware that Baby Doll demanded a very strong, confidant leader because of how how stubborn, independent and how much of an alpha mare she was.

 

I finally admitted that I was not able to be the alpha that she needed and demanded.

Even though she has taught me a lot in the 2 years that I owned her, Baby Doll was my first horse.  She was supposed to be my Forever Horse. But she was a challenge I think I knew, from the very start, that I was not cut out for.

Many emotions were moving through me the day that I sat up on her back again, the day after Christmas, a year after I fell off of her and severed my ACL.

The biggest emotion I felt was relief. I had conquered my fear and had got back up on the horse that seriously injured me, not once, but twice. I also felt satisfied.

I didn’t have any desire to get back up on her again. I knew in my heart I could never fully trust her again. I was finished and felt complete.

I had come to the realization that Baby Doll had the power to cause me to quit riding horses forever. Between the physical injuries, the emotional scarring, the loss of self-confidence and the the fear of her hurting me yet again, I had no desire to ride her anymore.

 

My mare and I had come full circle together. I fell in love with her as we bonded in the beginning, but then after the multiple injuries caused by her, I wanted Baby Doll gone and could barely stand the sight of her. And finally, in the end, we had re-built that bond and affection for one another again.

Which only made it so much harder to say goodbye.

 

But maybe that's the way it was supposed to be.

 

She was and always will be my ‘heart’ horse and I love her so much it hurts deeply to the center of my core, and I've cried oceans of tears over giving her up.  But, she caused me too much sadness, frustration and pain.

I finally came to the realization that I'm not the only person who can provide a good home for my horse. And I understand now that it was selfish of me to think that only I could provide the best home for her. Keeping her because I love her, and didn’t want to give her up was not in my mare’s best interests. She deserved more than that.

 

 

A blog post over at Mugwump Chronicles ~" Do we love them too much" really struck a  chord with me and helped me to finally move forward.

Baby Doll requires a confidant, strong alpha to ride her and I knew I could not be that kind of rider for her. It hurts to admit that, but the truth often does.....

 

 

Baby Doll knew how to act to scare me and other riders so she could get out of working. She wasn't a mean horse and never tried to purposefully throw me off. She just did little things, like the crow-hops, head tossing, ears pinned, jigging, spinning, etc. Quite a few people warned me or showed concern that Baby Doll was probably not the best horse for me, but it wasn’t until this past year, that I finally realized and accepted that it was true.

 

Some people tried to be helpful and gave me lots of great advice over the past 2 years, and sometimes conflicting advice. I think some folks just expected me to fix something that was way over my head and that I just didn’t have the experience to fix. It's like giving someone a book on brain surgery and telling them, that after they’ve read it, to go ahead and attempt to operate on a brain. Ummmm, it would not be pretty.

I had my mare listed for sale a number of times over the past year, and I had many inquiries and a number of people ride her, but none seemed to be the perfect fit.  I had Baby Doll checked out and she was healthy, strong and had no serious issues except a little mild arthritis in her right hock. She had no cataracts, no pain, no ribs out, and didn't require any chiro adjustments, though she did receive a nice equine massage. Her teeth didn’t even have any sharp points.  Baby Doll was in good condition and all the saddles we tried on her fit well, too.

Last Thursday, a young married couple, B & T, came over to meet Baby Doll and possibly buy her for the husband, T. The wife, B, has been riding since she was in diapers and had been active in 4H, rodeo, and reining events. The husband, T, has been riding for over 4 years and works at a cattle ranch every summer. They both attend college in Portales, NM though they call Texas their home.

(This photo is from the vet clinic after Baby Doll passed her Vet Check. This is the last photo I took of her. She was very tired as it had been a busy day. But she still had a 3 hour ride in the trailer to get to her new home that night)

B has her reining horse mare to ride and T had been riding their 24 year old gelding, but he was getting too arthritic to even load into the trailer and became too tired on the trails.

I felt good that Baby Doll might end up as a ‘Husband Horse’ because she had always done better when Ranchman John rode her and she seemed to respect men more than women, too. In fact Ranchman John had wanted to keep Baby Doll as his horse, but he’s just too busy to ride and in two years had only ridden her twice.  He loves having horses around, but his focus isn’t on learning how to ride, like T’s focus is.

When the young couple showed up on Thursday, I made sure they knew that Baby Doll had not been ridden for over 7 months and she had gotten spoiled and lazy and tended to be barn sour. B had no issues with having to give Baby Doll a tune-up and put her back to work if they bought her.

When the husband and wife each first got up on Baby Doll, she tried her usual tricks: the belligerent head tossing, pissy pinned ears and the defiant crow-hops and then tried to pull them to the barn so she could convince them to dismount. But I was impressed. They had her number and weren't impressed or intimidated by her attitude at all. They rode her with experience and confidence and within 20 minutes Baby Doll gave in and cooperated. It was beautiful. 

I also liked that they were happy to try Baby Doll’s Dr. Cook’s Bitless Bridle after realizing that she wasn’t able to relax in the snaffle bit. They were already planning on buying a new Dr. Cook’s Bitless Bridle for Baby Doll once they got her home, too.

I was also touched to see T give Baby Doll a hug several times on both Thursday and Saturday. Both B & T spent some time grooming her and getting to know her, too.

(This photo is from the vet clinic. T was so excited to put the new black halter on Baby Doll that he had bought her.)

They drove the 3 hours back down to Portales that night, but called me the next day to say they really liked Baby Doll and wanted to come back on Saturday to ride her again and have her full vet check completed on Saturday afternoon.

It was really muddy around here, the boot-sucking kind, but I let them take Baby Doll out on some back roads and trails around our house and they walked, trotted and loped her all over the place.

She tried some more of her defiant tricks a few times, but they were in vain. T just made her work harder. He had already fallen in love with my mare and I could already see a relationship forming between them. I felt sad, but also relieved and happy. It was rather bittersweet, actually.

And he loved her spunky attitude, too. When Baby Doll tried to run off with him, he laughed and made her run faster. It was just what Baby Doll needs. I would have probably taken her back home had she pulled the same thing with me, especially after my injuries that she caused.

(A photo from the vet clinic, just before we unloaded her to go through her Vet Check)

I had to wait a year to find the best home to sell my mare to, and I ended up taking a big loss in the sale, but knowing that she's in a situation that’s a better fit for her is worth that loss.

I’ve been wanting to blog about this all week, but I’ve just been too sad and the words just wouldn’t come out. I’m still finding it difficult to go up to the barn and take care of my other animals right now. Without Baby Doll or any horses up there, it's just a sad place to be. Thankfully John has taken over that job for now. I think I've got a case of  'empty barn syndrome' .

As for Rosie, she’s not for sale. My friend Colleen uses her for her trail riding business, and as everyone knows it’s not easy to find a calm, gentle, forgiving, patient horse that anyone can ride. So, yes Rosie is worth her weight in gold.

I do want to find a horse similar to Rosie, though. Rosie made me realize that I never really felt safe or confidant on Baby Doll and because of her I had almost lost my joy of riding.

Riding is supposed to be enjoyable, and I've had lots of fun riding Rosie. She’s so intuitive that she actually seems to know just how much energy to give you and what you're ready for. I remember the first time I asked her to trot. She hesitated and seemed to be asking me, "Are you sure you're ready?" And when I clucked a second time, off she went, slowly and in a controlled manner.

Baby Doll never did that. She took off in a trot like a crazy camel and jack-hammered her front end until my back and neck ached. I never had fun trotting Baby Doll. In fact I never knew that trotting or loping could be fun at all. All the horses I've ridden in the past have been ranch, rental horses or friend's horses and we usually just walked down a trail. Rosie made me realize that riding faster can be fun, and I’m looking forward to more!

(This photo is from the clinic from two weekends ago. Rosie and I are the third horse and rider from the left)

But I will always have a special place in my heart for my beautiful Baby Doll. I will be keeping in touch with her new owners and hope to visit Baby Doll this summer. I’m glad that she has a new beginning for her life and I have faith that B &T will dote on her and take good care of her while being consistent and firm and providing her the best life any horse could ever ask for.

But I sure will miss her, just the same……..

 

Christmas Eve Trail Ride in the Snow

Christmas Eve dawned sunny, sparkling and fairly warm with no wind. To me it seemed the perfect day to attempt another first for my horse riding goals: riding trail in the snow.
I was so excited! I called up my neighbor friend and riding buddy, Val and asked her if she wanted to join me. She never turns down an opportunity to ride, but she was still at the store doing some last minute shopping, so we made plans to get together in the afternoon.
In the meantime I decided to take some silly Santa-Hat photos of my mare while the weather was so nice, and to groom her really good, since she had gotten so muddy from rolling in the snow and wet ground.
The photo shoot was lots of fun because at first Baby Doll didn't know what to think of that dangly red hat with the white powder puff wiggling next to her eye. She tried to outrun it, but the hat was attached firmly to her mane with a plastic hair clip (there ya go, Ponygirl). Then she got annoyed at me for laughing at her...but gosh she was just so funny and cute in that hat...I couldn't help it!

And she finally realized wearing the hat wasn't too bad because treats and cookies kept being offered the longer she wore it calmly.
The last straw was when she discovered that the llamas were laughing at her, so it was time to end the Santa Hat photo session.

To get even with me for her embarassment, she avoided me haltering her, for the very first time since I've owned her. She always stands still and then sticks her nose directly into the halter easey-peasey, but this time she pulled a little playful game of keep-away for a few minutes, until she finally followed me into her stall and then permitted me to halter her.

As I finished getting Baby Doll tacked up, Val arrived home and quickly got her gelding, Scout, saddled up, too. She called out to me asking if my son Jackson might want to ride with us, on her 26 yr old Arabian Nadia.
So, I mounted my mare and went in search of my twinlings, who just so happened to be sledding down a steep snow-covered road beyond our house.

They came slipping down the hill just as my horse and I stepped past some juniper trees, and she snorted and did a few nervous side-stepping, but I calmed her down and got control and had the boys talk to her as they approached. And once they fed her a few cookies, she was past her fear and ready to move on and explore. Jax decided he'd rather sled than ride, so I headed over to meet up with Val, with Baby Doll trudging through the knee deep snow drifts.

It was a gorgeous day and Val and I had a great time riding on the Back-40 trails together.
Baby Doll was calm as usual and didn't even pull her drunken sailor routine or any barn sourness. She was mostly relaxed and just a little bit snorty at familiar objects distorted by the snow cover. I was just so happy to be out in all that sparkling whiteness, riding my horse. What a perfect day!
Scout was a little bit hyper and excited, so Val trotted and worked him in the snow covered fields.
I get such a kick from watching Val and Scout. He's such a goofy gelding and with his odd mix of breedin and coloring (appy/pinto/arabian), he's very unique and reminds me quite a bit of 'Hidalgo'.
We played around in the field together and then started to head back home as it was Christmas Eve and we wanted to prepare for Santa's arrival and relax by the fire with a yummy cup of eggnog...... We were almost back home and decided to cut through one of our neighbor's yards, which is what we sometimes do. Baby Doll was nervous about a familiarwagon wheel that was now scarily covered in snow, so I walked her up to it and she snorted and then ignored it after realizing it wasn't going to eat her. Val was introducing Scout to a deflated snowman decoration, laying in a heap on the ground.

And it happened in a split second.

Something between that snow covered wagon wheel and Scout sniffing at the deflated snowman, spooked my mare, and she apparently did some fancy teleportation move....she went one way, and I got left behind...on the ground. It wouldn't have been so bad, except on the way down, my left foot got snagged in the stirrup. Gah! That hurt.

My silly mare, the brat, left me there and ran back home, while Val fussed over me worrying that I was hurt. I'm sure that watching someone fall of a horse is a pretty awful and helpless feeling. I felt bad for her so I wanted to reassure her that I was ok, just got the wind knocked out of me. But my knee was aching something terrible.

We walked back to her arena and Baby Doll was standing at the fence with wild eyes looking in our direction. We walked right up and caught her and she seemed relieved. I was, too. We live very close to a busy county road and it would have been easy for her to have ran in that direction and been hit by a car. I was annoyed with her for ditching me, but at least she went straight home.

Val encouraged me to get back up on Baby Doll for a few minutes, just so I wouldn't build up any fear from my fall, and so that Baby Doll didn't get any wacky ideas that a dropped rider means freedom from work.
It was good idea and we rode for about 15 minutes in the round pen, while Val took Scout back to the inflatable snowman to try and de-spook him after our mishap.

When she came back, we took our horses back to our barns, unsaddled them, and I fed all the critters and watered them.....with a steadily stiffening leg and knee.
I was able to gather eggs, feed and tuck in the chickens for the night, not realizing that might be the last time I do all of my favorite chores for a very long time.
And this would be the last photo I'd have of me riding my horse for months........
By Christmas Eve night, my knee blew up like a balloon and stiffened up to where it wouldn't bend at all. Walking was impossible without excruciating pain.....the kind of pain that makes you scream and cuss out loud, makes you feel nauseous and lightheaded.
I was saddened that I couldn't make it downstairs to prepare our family's holiday traditional Overnight French Toast casserole. We would have to do without. But I cried like a baby when I realized that I couldn't even carry all the gifts I'd wrapped for my family, and place them under the tree and in the stockings. I wasn't able to sneak downstairs and make sure Santa's powdery footprints were carefully left on the floor for the kids to oooh and ahh at. All I could do was stare at my swollen knee and worry....
At least I had company.........

To be continued...."Christmas Day in the ER"

~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever fallen from a horse?
Have you ever suffered an injury involving horses?

Have a safe holiday weekend,

D~is for Dakota's Baby Doll

Dakota's Baby Doll is my first horse. I didn't grow up with horses and only rode a few times over the years at rental barns. I had always wanted a horse as a child, but had to wait to fulfill my dream until I was in my 40's. I wasn't really looking for a particular type or color of horse. Any well-broke, calm, sound beginner horse was fine for me, but my daughter had told me a few years earlier of her wish to have an "Orca Horse", which to her meant a paint horse that looks like an Orca.

So, when I was contacted by my lesson barn that a beautiful 15 year old Tovero Paint Mare was for sale, I was skeptical, but thought it an odd kind of irony. I first met Dakota's Baby Doll in February 2008, after which I took lessons on her for several weeks. Finally, in March, ironically on my daughter's 5th birthday, my first horse became Laughing Orca Ranch's namesake.
My first lessons on her were spent learning how develop my seat and proper balance. So I rode bareback.It was very liberating riding without a saddle and truly cued me on how to compensate and move along with a horse's stride and steps.
I started off just riding in the round pen or arena while taking lessons.
A few months later, the round pen and arena seemed too confining, so my horse and I hit the trails.
I was excited, and a little nervous making first major purchases for my horse, like her new Amish-Made Eli Miller Saddle with the comfy gel pad suspended seat. And the built-up, cut-out Western Saddle pad. There are so many choices in color and style. It can be overwhelming.(Baby Doll's a little high in the rump and withers)
After doing a lot of research and knowing that my mare rode well in a Hackamore and was sensitive to leg pressure, I decided to purchase the Dr Cook's Bitless Bridle, instead of a snaffle bridle. It works really well for us, except sometimes she needs a few reminders of how to be softer with her head and neck. So, I have no problems with using a snaffle for some remedial training. She looks pretty good in her Bitless Bridle, though, don't you think?
Over the past year, I learned a lot about horse ownership. I picked hooves, trimmed bridle paths, removed chestnuts, wormed, set up vet appts for teeth floating, assisted farrier visits, mucked manure, fed hay, minerals, grain and vitamins, and bathed my pretty pony, too.
And I spent hours just hanging out with my sweet mare in the pasture or paddock reading a book, brushing or braiding her hair, scratching, hugging and bonding.
I learned how to do groundwork with Dakota's Baby Doll in the round pen.
I found this time spent with my horse a great confidance builder for myself and for my horse to trust and build respect for me, too.
Join-up is always such a positive experience and is just another way we bond and learn to trust and respect one another.
And some of the best parts of owning my first horse are the small things. Like when Baby Doll is ready to greet me at the gate when she sees me.
Even when she's a little impatient for breakfast or a snack, she's such a joy and makes me smile.
I love how soft, calm and gentle she is, too.
And her one half-moon blue eye.
And the way her neck always relaxes and drops when we head out on the trails.
And I love the little blaze of white under her jaw.
And I love her silly sense of humor and willingness to have a little bit of fun.
Today, on Thanksgiving Day, I'm thankful for my family and friends, of course. And I'm also thankful for dreams come true and my beautiful Paint Mare, Dakota's Baby Doll.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!