Frozen Heart

 

Today I had a meltdown in my heart from a culmination of emotional scars, new wounds, confusion, and even fear. I just sat and sobbed my heart out.

It started with the bitter, howling wind, followed by two days of snow that kept me from spending more time with and riding ‘Sugar’. I am so done with winter this year. Last year I was stuck in bed in my tower recuperating from my ACL surgery. This year I don’t want to be stuck inside at all.

                      

              (Photo taken on Sunday afternoon. After several weeks of snow covered ground, we could see the earth again.)

Then Linda shared the story of how her handsome, playful Lyle of The 7MSN had to be euthanized on Saturday. I had the honor of meeting Mr. Maybelline eyelashes himself in 2008 during a visit to the 7MSN. He was very forward, friendly and curious and loved to pick up anything he could find with his very dexterous lips. He made me laugh. I’m honored to have met him. Such a unique and special horse will never be forgotten.

       (Photo taken Sunday Night)

And speaking of never being forgotten, I realized how much I still miss my mare Baby Doll and how sad it still makes me feel to remember the proud and strong bay horse Rojo and the heartbreaking moments before he took his last breath last summer.

Saying goodbye to our precious animals is never easy.

I felt so sad for Reddunappy (There’s a Horse in my Bubblebath) for the loss of her special dog, Teddy this week. And for the loss of CeeCee’s cat, Lucky, too. And the tough decisions facing Kate with her and her daughter’s emotionally unbalanced horse Miranda. And Pony Girl’s My Boy who is going through the discomfort of arthritis. There’s been so much loss, and so many trials and challenges this year. It’s almost unbearable. I wish I could somehow do something to take away all the hurt and sadness that so many blogger friends are going through.

                       

                      (Photo taken Monday Morning)

 

During my emotional meltdown, I was considering giving up my dream of owning another horse, because I tend to get attached and didn’t want to say goodbye again. I told Ranchman John and Colleen that I didn’t trust my instincts for finding a good horse. I had made a huge mistake the first time and paid dearly for that mistake. How am I to know that a horse is a good, safe fit for me and my family? Also how can the first horse I try out (Blackie doesn’t count since she refused to load in the trailer) manage to be the ‘right horse’? Shouldn’t I be horse shopping for much longer, like weeks or months?

 

I spoke with Colleen about my feelings and thoughts today and she tried to reassure me. She asked me to list the pros and cons of this horse and then decide if there was anything that would cause me to have second thoughts about her. I tend to compare all horse behavior with Baby Doll, since she was so difficult and was always testing me.

                   

(Photo taken Monday morning)

In the saddle she was too much horse for me, but on the ground Baby Doll and I had a close connection. ‘Sugar’ acts very much like Baby Doll on the ground, but she is nothing like Baby Doll in the saddle. I still keep waiting for ‘Sugar’ to act up, because that’s how I rode Baby Doll, and she rarely let me down. But so far, ‘Sugar’ doesn’t seem to spend her entire time thinking up things to argue about or get away with. That scores high in my book.

I asked Colleen would she consider purchasing ‘Sugar’ for her riding company, and she said yes. She’d spend a month or two getting her in shape and tuning her up and then she’d have her as a step-up in skill-level from Rosie. Her assessment meant a lot to me and helped me to reconsider giving ‘Sugar’ more time.

            (Photo of our barn on Monday morning)

So tomorrow 'Sugar' is being seen by the vet to check her health, teeth, feet, chiro and a have a flex test. If the vet check reveals any serious issues then, sadly, I know this horse isn’t meant to be. But if all checks out then I’ll spend some time riding her over at Colleen’s ranch afterwards and hoping that the bad weather stays away so I can spend more time riding and getting to know ‘Sugar’ this week before making any decisions…………….

   

Riding Test ~ Day One

 

Several readers left me a comment saying they were surprised that ‘Sugar’s’ owner didn’t bother to clean her up before we arrived. And I have to say I wasn’t surprised at all. Yes, it would have been nice, but I understood why she didn’t. In defense of the owner, she doesn’t live where her horses are being winter pastured. She lives over an hour north of the property and she had to meet us off the highway, about 15 min. north, because it would have been too difficult for us to try to find the location on our own as it’s way in the boonies.

The other reason is due to horse budget. I got taken when I bought my mare, Baby Doll over 2 years ago and I’m embarrassed to admit that I paid $3,500 for her. But even after a year of trying to find her a good, appropriate home, I had to take a huge loss because of the terrible horse market right now and I only got $900 for my mare. So, that’s my horse budget, if y’all must know. And unfortunately, most horses in the under $1000 range, just aren’t presented the same way that horses of higher price and quality are presented. So there ya have it. The reason why ‘Sugar’ was a muddy puppy when we picked her up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Ranchman John and I drove over to Colleen’s house Saturday to see how ‘Sugar’ would do under-saddle. She hasn’t been ridden for a few months so I wasn’t sure what to expect.

When we got there, Colleen was already on ‘Sugar’ and there were several other riders there, riding their horses, from our Snowy Mountain Cowgirl Club. It was great to see Christine, riding her new gaited gelding, and her hubby, Cory was there, too. He and I posed together, as crazy, spooky Zombies during the ACTHA Halloween CTR Event in October. He volunteered as one of the challenge judges and I was one of the assistant judges. It was wonderful to visit with everyone.

Colleen rode ‘Sugar’ in the arena for about 30 minutes, testing her out in her steering, stopping, trotting and cantering.

Colleen decided against using the tie down and the long-shanked single jointed snaffle bit that her owner sent along with her. Instead, Colleen used a snaffle with a copper dog bone and short shanks.

‘Sugar’ seemed to go well in that and was easy to steer and stop. She understands leg and seat, too.

    

Colleen has a nice little trail obstacle course set up on her property with hills, steps, ‘tunnels’, bridges and a water obstacle (in season), too.

 

I thought that ‘Sugar’ did really well with the obstacles that Colleen rode her through and over.

Even when a couple horses from Colleen’s herd came running over ‘Sugar’ didn’t get too out of hand, although that does seem to be a negative with her. She is very interested in other horses and seems to feed off their energy, probably because she’s not been around so many horses all at once. But I think many horses, who are being ridden in a field of loose horses would get excited when the loose horses start running.

‘Sugar’ was still a little excited after the loose horses got chased away and moved on, but she did eventually settle down once the high energy level those horses caused, went away.

I’m hoping to ride her on the obstacle course on Sunday, if the weather is ok. It’s snowing right now and is expected to snow again tomorrow. Bleh! I’m sick of winter. I want to ride! (Don’t laugh at my wonky legs. My stirrups were way too short and I was perched up there rather awkwardly. I didn’t readjust the stirrups after Colleen dismounted as I wasn’t planning on riding for very long on Saturday because it was so brutally windy. I must give ‘Sugar’ lots of credit for being so very patient and forgiving having me up there riding so badly.)

I did get to spend quite a bit of time riding ‘Sugar’ in the arena Saturday, though. First on a lead line until I got a feel for how ‘Sugar’ would act with me on her back, and then on my own. We did figure eights, serpentines, circles, we backed up and we went over the poles and onto a wooden platform and around logs several times. She was a good girl and we had fun.

She is so different than Baby Doll, and even Atta Bay and Rosie, in that to get her to move you’ve got to squeeze her hard and even kick her. I never had to kick Baby Doll and I never even had to squeeze. Just a simple cluck or word ‘walk’ and she moved. If I would have kicked her, Baby Doll would have sent me to the moon!

Her owner says she uses a crop on ‘Sugar’ to make her move. I’ve never used a crop before and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I suppose if I did buy ‘Sugar’ I could wear spurs, but I think I prefer a softer, more sensitive horse. I wonder if that can be re-trained?

I did try something different with ‘Sugar’, instead of kicking her to walk over the poles, for instance, I’d praise her like mad and encourage her to move on with my voice. ‘Sugar’ really seemed receptive to that and was even willing to try harder. I liked that a lot.

  

Ranchman John took some photos, but not too many. And he keeps forgetting how to take video with my camera. Please don’t focus on my terrible leg and heel position. We didn’t re-adjust the stirrups after Colleen dismounted, and it felt awkward. I didn’t think I’d ride her all that long with the bitter wind blowing, but I did end up riding her for at least an hour.

I wish Ranchman John would have gotten photos after I dismounted ‘Sugar’ and we exchanged Colleen’s saddle for my own Henry Miller Amish-Made Plantation Saddle. I was able to get back on and ride for another 15 minutes in my saddle. It was my first time back in my own saddle since my accident, over a year ago. I love that saddle.

(You can see some of the saddle in this old photo of me riding Baby Doll, as well as in the Henry Miller link above. This photo also brings back old memories. I always thought it was funny how Baby Doll's mouth would get all frothy white and drool when she wore her Dr. Cook's Bitless Bridle.)

It’s so comfy with it’s gel pad suspended seat, but the cantle is low and it has no swells, so I don’t feel as secure in it anymore, especially on steep trails. It seems too big for me now, too. And it may have even helped contribute to me falling when Baby Doll teleported. Everyone at Colleen’s ranch were very curious about the saddle, though. I admit, it does look rather odd. lol!

(Like this silly old photo of me in my saddle, riding Baby Doll in the pitch black of night. I remember being blinded by that flash, too. lol!)

It was so cold and windy while I was riding, that Ranchman John went back to the truck to stay warm. But……Oh, I can’t forget! Ranchman John got up on ‘Sugar’, too. It’s been over two years since he’s been on a horse, so I just took him around on a lead line until he got comfortable. I think he enjoyed himself and ‘Sugar’ was a good girl the entire time.    

Letting Go of the Rope

 

(This is a very long post, so if you’re ready to sit down and read, be sure to use the potty first, grab a beverage and a snack, too) (The song I chose for this post is by Jennifer Hanson: “Beautiful Goodbye”, followed by Nickelback: “Far Away”)

“There are times when we are dealing with horses and/or people and life in general, that things just go wrong in a hurry. And while we are taught to be determined, and ‘stay the course’, if it is putting us in danger of being hurt, it is ok sometimes to just ‘let go of the rope’. Take a second to regroup and either try again, or in some cases move on.“

~ Quote by Fern Valley Appaloosas

 

For me, it was time to move on……………….

I did have a close bond with my mare. We had been through a lot together, both good and very, very bad. I was familiar with her and knew the worst that she would do. That should have made me feel safer, but it didn’t.
I realized that she could hurt me and I knew she could be unpredictable and spooky. And I was aware that Baby Doll demanded a very strong, confidant leader because of how how stubborn, independent and how much of an alpha mare she was.

 

I finally admitted that I was not able to be the alpha that she needed and demanded.

Even though she has taught me a lot in the 2 years that I owned her, Baby Doll was my first horse.  She was supposed to be my Forever Horse. But she was a challenge I think I knew, from the very start, that I was not cut out for.

Many emotions were moving through me the day that I sat up on her back again, the day after Christmas, a year after I fell off of her and severed my ACL.

The biggest emotion I felt was relief. I had conquered my fear and had got back up on the horse that seriously injured me, not once, but twice. I also felt satisfied.

I didn’t have any desire to get back up on her again. I knew in my heart I could never fully trust her again. I was finished and felt complete.

I had come to the realization that Baby Doll had the power to cause me to quit riding horses forever. Between the physical injuries, the emotional scarring, the loss of self-confidence and the the fear of her hurting me yet again, I had no desire to ride her anymore.

 

My mare and I had come full circle together. I fell in love with her as we bonded in the beginning, but then after the multiple injuries caused by her, I wanted Baby Doll gone and could barely stand the sight of her. And finally, in the end, we had re-built that bond and affection for one another again.

Which only made it so much harder to say goodbye.

 

But maybe that's the way it was supposed to be.

 

She was and always will be my ‘heart’ horse and I love her so much it hurts deeply to the center of my core, and I've cried oceans of tears over giving her up.  But, she caused me too much sadness, frustration and pain.

I finally came to the realization that I'm not the only person who can provide a good home for my horse. And I understand now that it was selfish of me to think that only I could provide the best home for her. Keeping her because I love her, and didn’t want to give her up was not in my mare’s best interests. She deserved more than that.

 

 

A blog post over at Mugwump Chronicles ~" Do we love them too much" really struck a  chord with me and helped me to finally move forward.

Baby Doll requires a confidant, strong alpha to ride her and I knew I could not be that kind of rider for her. It hurts to admit that, but the truth often does.....

 

 

Baby Doll knew how to act to scare me and other riders so she could get out of working. She wasn't a mean horse and never tried to purposefully throw me off. She just did little things, like the crow-hops, head tossing, ears pinned, jigging, spinning, etc. Quite a few people warned me or showed concern that Baby Doll was probably not the best horse for me, but it wasn’t until this past year, that I finally realized and accepted that it was true.

 

Some people tried to be helpful and gave me lots of great advice over the past 2 years, and sometimes conflicting advice. I think some folks just expected me to fix something that was way over my head and that I just didn’t have the experience to fix. It's like giving someone a book on brain surgery and telling them, that after they’ve read it, to go ahead and attempt to operate on a brain. Ummmm, it would not be pretty.

I had my mare listed for sale a number of times over the past year, and I had many inquiries and a number of people ride her, but none seemed to be the perfect fit.  I had Baby Doll checked out and she was healthy, strong and had no serious issues except a little mild arthritis in her right hock. She had no cataracts, no pain, no ribs out, and didn't require any chiro adjustments, though she did receive a nice equine massage. Her teeth didn’t even have any sharp points.  Baby Doll was in good condition and all the saddles we tried on her fit well, too.

Last Thursday, a young married couple, B & T, came over to meet Baby Doll and possibly buy her for the husband, T. The wife, B, has been riding since she was in diapers and had been active in 4H, rodeo, and reining events. The husband, T, has been riding for over 4 years and works at a cattle ranch every summer. They both attend college in Portales, NM though they call Texas their home.

(This photo is from the vet clinic after Baby Doll passed her Vet Check. This is the last photo I took of her. She was very tired as it had been a busy day. But she still had a 3 hour ride in the trailer to get to her new home that night)

B has her reining horse mare to ride and T had been riding their 24 year old gelding, but he was getting too arthritic to even load into the trailer and became too tired on the trails.

I felt good that Baby Doll might end up as a ‘Husband Horse’ because she had always done better when Ranchman John rode her and she seemed to respect men more than women, too. In fact Ranchman John had wanted to keep Baby Doll as his horse, but he’s just too busy to ride and in two years had only ridden her twice.  He loves having horses around, but his focus isn’t on learning how to ride, like T’s focus is.

When the young couple showed up on Thursday, I made sure they knew that Baby Doll had not been ridden for over 7 months and she had gotten spoiled and lazy and tended to be barn sour. B had no issues with having to give Baby Doll a tune-up and put her back to work if they bought her.

When the husband and wife each first got up on Baby Doll, she tried her usual tricks: the belligerent head tossing, pissy pinned ears and the defiant crow-hops and then tried to pull them to the barn so she could convince them to dismount. But I was impressed. They had her number and weren't impressed or intimidated by her attitude at all. They rode her with experience and confidence and within 20 minutes Baby Doll gave in and cooperated. It was beautiful. 

I also liked that they were happy to try Baby Doll’s Dr. Cook’s Bitless Bridle after realizing that she wasn’t able to relax in the snaffle bit. They were already planning on buying a new Dr. Cook’s Bitless Bridle for Baby Doll once they got her home, too.

I was also touched to see T give Baby Doll a hug several times on both Thursday and Saturday. Both B & T spent some time grooming her and getting to know her, too.

(This photo is from the vet clinic. T was so excited to put the new black halter on Baby Doll that he had bought her.)

They drove the 3 hours back down to Portales that night, but called me the next day to say they really liked Baby Doll and wanted to come back on Saturday to ride her again and have her full vet check completed on Saturday afternoon.

It was really muddy around here, the boot-sucking kind, but I let them take Baby Doll out on some back roads and trails around our house and they walked, trotted and loped her all over the place.

She tried some more of her defiant tricks a few times, but they were in vain. T just made her work harder. He had already fallen in love with my mare and I could already see a relationship forming between them. I felt sad, but also relieved and happy. It was rather bittersweet, actually.

And he loved her spunky attitude, too. When Baby Doll tried to run off with him, he laughed and made her run faster. It was just what Baby Doll needs. I would have probably taken her back home had she pulled the same thing with me, especially after my injuries that she caused.

(A photo from the vet clinic, just before we unloaded her to go through her Vet Check)

I had to wait a year to find the best home to sell my mare to, and I ended up taking a big loss in the sale, but knowing that she's in a situation that’s a better fit for her is worth that loss.

I’ve been wanting to blog about this all week, but I’ve just been too sad and the words just wouldn’t come out. I’m still finding it difficult to go up to the barn and take care of my other animals right now. Without Baby Doll or any horses up there, it's just a sad place to be. Thankfully John has taken over that job for now. I think I've got a case of  'empty barn syndrome' .

As for Rosie, she’s not for sale. My friend Colleen uses her for her trail riding business, and as everyone knows it’s not easy to find a calm, gentle, forgiving, patient horse that anyone can ride. So, yes Rosie is worth her weight in gold.

I do want to find a horse similar to Rosie, though. Rosie made me realize that I never really felt safe or confidant on Baby Doll and because of her I had almost lost my joy of riding.

Riding is supposed to be enjoyable, and I've had lots of fun riding Rosie. She’s so intuitive that she actually seems to know just how much energy to give you and what you're ready for. I remember the first time I asked her to trot. She hesitated and seemed to be asking me, "Are you sure you're ready?" And when I clucked a second time, off she went, slowly and in a controlled manner.

Baby Doll never did that. She took off in a trot like a crazy camel and jack-hammered her front end until my back and neck ached. I never had fun trotting Baby Doll. In fact I never knew that trotting or loping could be fun at all. All the horses I've ridden in the past have been ranch, rental horses or friend's horses and we usually just walked down a trail. Rosie made me realize that riding faster can be fun, and I’m looking forward to more!

(This photo is from the clinic from two weekends ago. Rosie and I are the third horse and rider from the left)

But I will always have a special place in my heart for my beautiful Baby Doll. I will be keeping in touch with her new owners and hope to visit Baby Doll this summer. I’m glad that she has a new beginning for her life and I have faith that B &T will dote on her and take good care of her while being consistent and firm and providing her the best life any horse could ever ask for.

But I sure will miss her, just the same……..

 

Back in the Pen

 

Busy horse day today. It started off with Baby Doll’s farrier appt. When I was riding my mare several times a week, her feet didn’t need trimmed as often. Now, with her just standing around all day, eating and pooping, her feet don’t get much wear, except from the rocks and boulders in her paddock, which end up causing nicks, instead of even wear. She did pretty well for the farrier, except for one moment when she got impatient and tried to pull some funny business. But my farrier got on her quick and didn’t let her get away with it. He’s very kind and patient, but he  also doesn’t put up with any crap from horses that should know better. Afterwards, Baby Doll behaved herself for the rest of her trim, but when he was done, instead of normally hanging around for treats and pets, she turned her butt to us and walked to the other end of her paddock. Talk about attitude. 

Between her grouchy attitude and the fact that I had someone coming over to ride Baby Doll later in the afternoon, I decided I’d do some ground work with her in the round pen. This was the first time I’ve worked with her since she hurt me the second time, and I was very cautious, and a little bit nervous.

First, I decided to give her a wake-up call with her earlier rude behavior and walked down to the end of the paddock, towards my neighbor’s barn where she was also standing along the fence line. I truly think she thought I was bringing snack service as she took a few steps towards me. But I ignored her, turned my back to her, and reached over the fence and called to Nadia, Val’s Arabian mare. She came over to me and I rewarded her with cookies and pets, while Baby Doll licked and chewed behind me. I could hear her and sense her there, not sure exactly what she was thinking. But she was thinking.

  

I gave all my cookies to Nadia, as Baby Doll watched. Then I reached over the fence and gave Nadia pets and scratches. That seemed to be too much for my mare and she nuzzled my arm, head and hands, and kept positioning herself around me so that I might get the idea to turn around and give her pets and scratches, too. I gave her a few butt scratches, which are her favorite, but I didn’t linger and kept her wanting more. I moved away from her and she stepped closer towards me, her head lowered, but then her head came up and bonked the pipe rail fence and she threw her head up….and I got a sick panicked feeling and just wanted to escape. I could hardly breathe and tears were flowing as I left as quickly as I could.

Baby Doll started to follow me, but she stopped when she realized I wasn’t slowing down or calling to her. I sat up in the barn for about 10 minutes and cried like a baby. And then I just breathed deep for a few minutes until I was calm and cowgirled up.

I grabbed the halter and lead rope and went back out to my mare’s paddock. She walked up to me, poked her head into the halter and she was really well behaved during the entire journey down the hill and over to the round pen. She didn’t even get bossy or try to test me when I growled ‘NO’ at her efforts at trying to steal bites of grass as we walked.

 

 I free-lunged her in the round pen for about 15 minutes, and followed up using the lunge rope for another 15 minutes. She did better free-lunging.. On the lunge rope she got lazy and didn’t want to move faster than a walk or a half-hearted trot. I know she is totally taking advantage of me because she can see that I still can’t move fast to get after her, and that is very frustrating. But I was pleased that she did join-up with me, when I invited her in. And then we did a little bit of bending and side-pass work on the ground and afterwards she walked with me at liberty, until I released her to graze on the stubbly grass.

I walked back to the house for a cold drink and sat in the coop to relax and commune with the chickens. (A Silver-laced Wyandotte hen and Barred Rock hens)

 

(Speckled Sussex hen~’Kipper’)

(Japanese Silky Roo~ ‘Mr. Cotton’)

(A little gathering pecking at some fresh grass clippings)

(And my fancy rooster, ‘Sid Vicious’, a Golden-laced, bearded Polish)

(So far he’s a pretty good rooster. He’s kind to the ladies and respects me, even though I can’t say that he really likes me being around his ladies. He does tolerate me. And he even gets along well with his rooster buddy, Mr. Cotton.)

(This picture is for Carolynn of a Glowing Ember, who dreams of living in the South of France and owning her very own rooster)

Then the girls showed up to ride Baby Doll. First the older girl rode my mare bareback in a halter. I don’t think she liked how heavy in the front Baby Doll can be when she starts off at the trot, though. But she rode her for a few minutes bareback and then I went and got the bridle and saddle. The younger girl was already in love with my mare and couldn’t wait to ride her. She wants a barrelracer, 4H, Gymkhana horse but her two older, smaller horses at home aren’t able to do the things she wants to do.

The younger girl rode on a lunge line to start off with, until she felt comfortable. It was a very windy day and Baby Doll had already spooked sideways when my neighbor’s trash can blew over on the road, but the girl rode her right through it. (unlike me. lol) 

It was really nice to hear from these girls how pretty they thought Baby Doll was and how powerful, fast, sensitive she is, and how easy and sharp she turns. She is a good horse, just a little too much horse for me.They were really gentle, yet firm and confidant with my mare, too. No pulled tail and mane, and even when Baby Doll balked a little at taking the bit, they worked with her calmly until she took it.

After only a few minutes on the lunge line, the younger girl felt confidant enough to ride Baby Doll on her own, and it was great to watch how at ease she was on a horse’s back. I was also impressed at how well she posted the trot and rode the lope like she was glued to the seat. (Oh to be young again and learn to ride with such confidence, balance and skill)

 

Of course, Baby Doll made sure not to let things get too boring.

Both girls took it all in stride, though, and seemed unfazed. Though they aren’t able to buy Baby Doll right now, they would like to ride her again. I’ve taken a new stance on this, too. It’s still a win-win because someone is having fun on Baby Doll and my mare is getting ridden and receiving a work-out. I didn’t take many photos while the younger girl was loping Baby Doll, because they both looked to be enjoying themselves. I was told Baby Doll ran barrels before I bought her and I had seen her running them once while she was at my lesson barn. She was fast! But since I’ve owned her, it was hard for me to imagine her as a barrel horse, as she is such a lazy girl, and acts pissy when you make her move faster than a trot.

But I have to admit, even with those ears of hers pinned back while she was being loped, Baby Doll did seem to enjoy herself, if even just a little bit. It looked like, if she would have been given more rein, that she would have went all out galloping.

  

After they left, I was so tired. What a busy day. Just like Phyllis Diller, my Buff-laced Polish hen says, “It’s time to hit the roost”.

 

From the Tower of,