I Still Miss Her

 

Thank to everyone that gave me some very helpful advice, ideas, or just some supportive words. I must say that my favorite tip was sent to me via e-mail from my blog pal, “Comanche’s Shadow”. This was her advice:

“Lisa.... I think I'd get myself a long stick, some string and a carrot tied to the end of the string hanging from the stick... hold over Apache's head, between her ears...... (LOL).......... and, jiggle it in front of her eyes and nose.  It may be the very incentive she needs to jumpstart her engine!!” 

I was totally cracking up while reading this advice, just picturing me riding my mare all over the place with the stick and carrot! rofl!

Moving on to the subject of this post……...

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(I chose this song Tattoo by Jordin Sparks because the words describe perfectly how I feel about my previous mare Baby Doll)

I know. I shouldn’t have done it.

I should have never revisited my Letting Go of The Rope post. As soon as I did, the tears just flowed. Granted, those tears weren’t like the flood I had when, just before I climbed into my truck on that fateful day, I turned around and saw my mare loaded up in her new owner’s trailer, for the long trip to her new home.

     

I could barely see to drive home, through all those tears.

Her new owners have sent me updates and a couple photos of her. They tell me each time how much they enjoy her and how well Baby Doll is working out. They fell in love with her almost at first sight.

Interesting that it took me half a year to feel the same way. And that same affection didn’t even carry into the saddle. But on the ground, I think the two of of us did have a special bond, although she was more like a begrudging older sister than a willing partner or obedient child. But still, my heart couldn’t help but skip a beat when I would look out to the pasture and Baby Doll would be standing there….waiting……for me.

     

Yes, most of the time she was hoping for a treat. But sometimes she just wanted me to pet her and scratch her furry butt. And other times, she wanted to play some games with me and she and I would play at liberty as we walked through the pasture together.

These games didn’t really start until after I healed from my injuries that she caused. So it did take more than a year before we had that kind of bond together.

You’re probably wondering, why am I bringing this up?

Seeing the photos of Baby Doll reminded me how much I miss her. I know. Crazy.

I have nothing to remember her by, except photos. Even the scent of her on the brushes, halters or tack she wore has faded away and been replaced with my mare Apache’s scent instead.

I’ve asked myself quite a few times if I did the right thing in finding her a new home, wondering if maybe I could have still kept her, and Ranchman John could have ridden her. But then I realize I would have been too worried that she’d do something unexpected, like she often did with me, and hurt him, too. And I don’t believe I could have ever trusted her again to ride her on my own, even though, I’m glad I finally did get back up on her. Sitting on Baby Doll's back on the day after Christmas was such a monumental moment in my horsemanship journey.

I couldn’t have done it without the support and understanding of my neighbor friend, Val, my family, friends and all of my blogger friends, too. I worked so hard to get to that point physically, but especially emotionally. I’m now so grateful that I didn’t rehome my mare until after I accomplished that goal. I wonder if it meant something to Baby Doll, too?

I had a small hope that we could build on that moment and I might have been able to keep her, but when I started taking riding lessons a couple weeks later on a steady-eddie horse, I realized that I liked the feeling of safety I had while riding Rosie, and then Etta Bay.

And I finally knew that small hope was dashed, after my instructor friend, Colleen rode Baby Doll and told me that she wasn’t surprised I had been injured by her, because, just like my neighbor friend Val had told me a year earlier, Baby Doll was not a beginner horse.

So, in my heart I know that I did the right thing. But I still miss that special bond I had with her.

I know I’ve only owned Apache for a couple months and it can take a long time to build a relationship with a horse, especially a mare. Although I do feel safe on her back, I don’t feel that openness, complete trust, and a bond yet. I’m not at that point with Apache yet. And I know I have to earn it.

Recently, my neighbor friend, Val asked if I’d also be leasing the couple hundred acres of pasture land from our neighbor across the ridge beside our houses. She grazed two of her horses over there last summer with my mare Baby Doll, along with another neighbor’s 3 geldings. They all thrived grazing together in their temporary herd. Baby Doll had never looked so glossy, content, sleek and well-muscled as she did last summer.

I’ve been considering allowing Apache the same opportunity now that everything is greening up here. And with all of our extra Spring snow, it promises to be a great year for grass growth. But then I remembered how Baby Doll would usually run to me when I called her, even if she was in a couple hundred acre pasture……with a whole herd of horses. Like she did in this video.

On a different day, it was a very windy afternoon, I went over to the pasture and called her but the wind carried my voice away faster than I could yell. Baby Doll couldn’t hear me…or so I thought. I went into the pasture and hiked over the ridge looking for her in the trees and on the other side of the ridge, in the pasture below. When all of a sudden she came galloping around a grove of trees straight towards me, with the 3 geldings in tow. She had been looking for me, too.

When I haltered her and led her back over the ridge with the geldings following us, I was worried that Baby Doll might try to get loose and run back to them, but she never did. She seemed happy to be with me, and I walked her back home.

Apache and I aren’t at that same point in our relationship yet. She doesn’t wait at the gate for me if she sees me step out of the house. She doesn’t come when her name is called. Of course, to give her credit, she’s only had her new name for a couple months. But I worry about letting her loose in a couple hundred acre pasture, and then not being able to catch her again.

There are moments when I feel Apache welcomes me in and trusts me, and I try to remember to make time for more of these moments to take place.

           

I missed celebrating Baby Doll’s 17th birthday this year.

And I don’t know when Apache’s birthday is, or how old she’ll be. The vet believes she’s 13 yrs old now. I’ve decided we’ll celebrate Apache’s birthday on my daughter’s birthday of March 5th. If it doesn’t snow (hah!) we’ll have a pony party with Apache giving rides to all of Jenna’s friends. And of course I’ll make Apache a special birthday cake and throw her a party, like I did for Baby Doll, too. With balloons, party hats, bobbing for apples for the horses, along with cupcakes and wine for the humans. That year’s party was also to celebrate Nadia’s 26th birthday, too. It was so much fun!

I don’t know where this next year will take Apache and I and how our relationship will grow, but like a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I wish for happiness, safety, good health, a trusting partnership, and lots of fun.

 

And I hope that Apache will soon fill this sad little corner of my heart that was once owned by my mare Baby Doll.