Today I had a meltdown in my heart from a culmination of emotional scars, new wounds, confusion, and even fear. I just sat and sobbed my heart out.
It started with the bitter, howling wind, followed by two days of snow that kept me from spending more time with and riding ‘Sugar’. I am so done with winter this year. Last year I was stuck in bed in my tower recuperating from my ACL surgery. This year I don’t want to be stuck inside at all.
(Photo taken on Sunday afternoon. After several weeks of snow covered ground, we could see the earth again.)
Then Linda shared the story of how her handsome, playful Lyle of The 7MSN had to be euthanized on Saturday. I had the honor of meeting Mr. Maybelline eyelashes himself in 2008 during a visit to the 7MSN. He was very forward, friendly and curious and loved to pick up anything he could find with his very dexterous lips. He made me laugh. I’m honored to have met him. Such a unique and special horse will never be forgotten.
(Photo taken Sunday Night)
And speaking of never being forgotten, I realized how much I still miss my mare Baby Doll and how sad it still makes me feel to remember the proud and strong bay horse Rojo and the heartbreaking moments before he took his last breath last summer.
Saying goodbye to our precious animals is never easy.
I felt so sad for Reddunappy (There’s a Horse in my Bubblebath) for the loss of her special dog, Teddy this week. And for the loss of CeeCee’s cat, Lucky, too. And the tough decisions facing Kate with her and her daughter’s emotionally unbalanced horse Miranda. And Pony Girl’s My Boy who is going through the discomfort of arthritis. There’s been so much loss, and so many trials and challenges this year. It’s almost unbearable. I wish I could somehow do something to take away all the hurt and sadness that so many blogger friends are going through.
(Photo taken Monday Morning)
During my emotional meltdown, I was considering giving up my dream of owning another horse, because I tend to get attached and didn’t want to say goodbye again. I told Ranchman John and Colleen that I didn’t trust my instincts for finding a good horse. I had made a huge mistake the first time and paid dearly for that mistake. How am I to know that a horse is a good, safe fit for me and my family? Also how can the first horse I try out (Blackie doesn’t count since she refused to load in the trailer) manage to be the ‘right horse’? Shouldn’t I be horse shopping for much longer, like weeks or months?
I spoke with Colleen about my feelings and thoughts today and she tried to reassure me. She asked me to list the pros and cons of this horse and then decide if there was anything that would cause me to have second thoughts about her. I tend to compare all horse behavior with Baby Doll, since she was so difficult and was always testing me.
(Photo taken Monday morning)
In the saddle she was too much horse for me, but on the ground Baby Doll and I had a close connection. ‘Sugar’ acts very much like Baby Doll on the ground, but she is nothing like Baby Doll in the saddle. I still keep waiting for ‘Sugar’ to act up, because that’s how I rode Baby Doll, and she rarely let me down. But so far, ‘Sugar’ doesn’t seem to spend her entire time thinking up things to argue about or get away with. That scores high in my book.
I asked Colleen would she consider purchasing ‘Sugar’ for her riding company, and she said yes. She’d spend a month or two getting her in shape and tuning her up and then she’d have her as a step-up in skill-level from Rosie. Her assessment meant a lot to me and helped me to reconsider giving ‘Sugar’ more time.
(Photo of our barn on Monday morning)
So tomorrow 'Sugar' is being seen by the vet to check her health, teeth, feet, chiro and a have a flex test. If the vet check reveals any serious issues then, sadly, I know this horse isn’t meant to be. But if all checks out then I’ll spend some time riding her over at Colleen’s ranch afterwards and hoping that the bad weather stays away so I can spend more time riding and getting to know ‘Sugar’ this week before making any decisions…………….
45 comments :
I don't know if this will come out right but I'll try. Think of horse shopping and ownership along the lines of dating and relationships.
Sometimes for whatever reason (death, divorce) a relationship ends. Just because you move on doesn't mean that you forget that relationship, it is always part of you and there are times you're ok and times you still mourn it.
Dating (horse shopping) is unpredictable. Sometimes a casual first date leads to more serious dating, or you get a strong feeling that its not going to work. Sometimes it takes 1 date to realize its worth exploring a possible relationship. At times you play the field for a while before meeting 'the one' and sometimes you meet where you least expect it.
I would count "Blackie" as a casual coffee date - you did go to check her out with purpose. You just knew right away that it wasn't a good fit.
Give Sugar some time, go on a few "dates" to continue that theme. You may be lucky enough to have met "the one" quickly, if not enjoy your time playing the field.
I still miss Quinn and Rain. Its natural. And Voodoo was the 2nd horse I looked at when I went shopping! ;)
Oh Lisa! I am SO sorry you are having such a saddened heart!! You are a kind soul and don't you worry we all have our days! That weather is enough to make anyone grumpy!
About Sugar, if she's the right horse it doesn't matter if she is the 1st or 50th horse you've seen!! You will know after you get to spend a bit more time on her! after that I would say to think into the coming weeks and see if riding her is something you would be excited about or still uneasy about...
PRAYERS & HUGS!!!
Oh Lisa, try to think of the good things to come instead of the bad things that were.
That little mare is adorable. I really hope things work out and the two of you are a match.
Have a wonderful, snowy day!
Sometimes sobbing is all you can do, and sometimes it actually helps you get through the pain. Only you can tell if you want a horse, and if so, which horse, but so far Sugar seems worth trying further - and I like her sweet face. Life does have many sorrows and trials, but there are also so many moments of love, and awe and delight. Thank you for your kind thoughts, and I'm sending some your way.
Lisa...hang on girl. We have all lost animals and there is no way around it. Think about it this way, when they are with you, they have lots of love and good care. I would not trade the time I have had with my animals for anything. It is well worth the sadness that comes with their passing. You give to them and they give back...and mine (like yours) have some real quality in their lives. Don't let what happened with your mare allow you to think that no horse will be ok for you. Sugar sounds like a keeper to me. You seemed to do well with her so far, and if you continue to ride her under the supervision of your friend, you will regain your confidence. The key, is having someone present until you get there.
If your heart and soul did not WANT to have a horse again, you would not be going through such turmoil. Please don't give up. My deepest sympathies go out to your friends who have lost animals.
You'll be ok Lisa. It would help if spring would really arrive.
This is the time of year that severely tests man's(or woman's) soul. I am taking megadoses of vitamin D while watching it snow and freeze. We are flirting with 20 when we should be hitting 40's during the day. Then when sad things happen to good people, it just makes it harder to find that happy place and smile all the time. The only consolation is this, too, shall pass and spring has to be around the corner. Just the wall is soooo damn long!!
****HUGS****
Lisa, you live in a part of the country that I am not at all familiar with. However, I can tell you that around my neck of the woods, this is a hard time, emotionally, for a lot of people. We're almost at the end of February, but, around here, we can get blizzards in early April. Spring seems so close, yet we have been through so much winter, that it seems almost too much to bear, at times. Depressed can be a way of life.
I just started reading your blog, so I don't know you very well. But, I can tell from all of the comments that you get that you have a lot of friends. Let them sustain you through this dark time. I don't have anything profound to add, so I'm just going to say that I'm sorry that you're hurting, and that I hope that the hurt goes away soon,.
We can only try and take on the pain of the world for so long before it brings us crashing to the ground. You my dear Lisa remind me of myself, incredibly sensitive and wanting to heal all others of their pain. As much as we want to we can't, we suffer far too much for it. Take care of yourself and trust that others can do the same. It's hard I know, but we need to live life happy and not always feeling like we have the weight of the world on our shoulders.
Don't worry about Sugar and the fact that she's the first horse you've seen. If it's meant to be it doesn't matter if she's first seen or last. Maybe something just wants you to find what you need without alot of stress. Miracles do happen ya know!
Amen to no more snow though, I am so over it also, we are due for some more tonight and tomorrow. Bring on Spring please!!!
Lisa, you don't have to ride to enjoy your horse, sure it is what we all want is to ride, but I have learned that you have to get the trust and safety from the ground before you ever get in the saddle and I have learned that the hard way, also. I take lessons from a stable for now and work and play with my horses at home from the ground until I feel safe with my horses from the ground I will not get back in the saddle. You can ride your own horses again but feel safe first and enjoy playing with them! You have to make sure that your horse has not yah but spots, when you put the halter on he should lower his head and turn to you, you should be able to put that pad on and have no issues, you should be able to move your horse around from the ground with no issues, Play, Play, Play and get to know your horse from the ground and remember to think like a horse make the wrong things difficult for your horse to do and the right things easy. beable to back that horse up out of your personal space. Sirocco, my young one is a great horse but he and I have to learn that I am the alpha horse not him, but I want him to learn that with dignity. I have really learned a lot with natural horsemanship. I am always told that you don't have to ride to enjoy your horse, get the respect before you ever get in the saddle and if at anytime you get scared feel unsafe get OFF no one ever got hurt from getting off.
Lisa, the pain we all feel only helps us feel the joy more intensely.
My fingers are crossed for good horse news, of course, BUT---- also that winter Lets GO really quick out there so you can get out and PLAY!!
It's amazing how Lyle's death has affected so many, even those who never met him.
Spring will soon be here, Lisa, and everything will look much better. We have daffodils blooming here and there around Las Cruces, and our little ash tree is starting to leaf out. Take heart!
Reading about the health problems and deaths of horses and other animals is heartbreaking. I admit that I sometimes skip past reading posts about horses going lame or getting sick, because I fear that if I put too much energy into it, then one of my horses might go lame or get sick. I don't want to invite trouble by even thinking about it, but at the same time want to offer support for those who are going through it.
I am so sorry Lisa I know how it feels. I had a meltdown the other week. I hadn't cried in over a year since my old girl Naigen died and I was much overdue. Everything I had been holding in came out and I feel a lot better about everything now.
When I help people find horses I always suggest at least a month with the horse.
When your getting your vet check done ask him about that crest on Sugar's neck. That is the one thing that would worry me it reminds me of the many insulin resistant horses I know.
I just thought I would tell you I got the pay it forward package. Thank you so much it made my day! I love the hat so much. Your very good at knitting you make my dodgy scarves look dodgier. I got your earrings made already and am working on something with Rojo's hair. You will be getting it all back though :P
It seems things come in groups, whether good or bad, and this week sure has been a rough one in blog land.
Meltdowns are okay. They help you to clear emotional clutter. Then progress can be made. Take a deep breath, and look at everything in a fresh and positive light- even the weather! It has given you a couple of days to assess yourself, so that was a good thing.
I love the look in the eye of this mare, it's soft and kind. I'm glad you are going to take the time to get to know her.
Unfortunately loss is the "price of the ticket" that we pay to allow love, joy, and others into our lives. Some days it is over whelming.
Hang in there and enjoy the time you get to spend with Sugar
There are more good horses out there than bad, and I really think that with a little work, Sugar could be an excellent horse for you. And if the weather continues to be bad, you can spend a LOT of time on the groundwork and getting to know her - but I'd say it's pretty telling that if she hasn't been ridden in a while and both you and Colleen got on and she was as good as she was, she is only going to get better. Hope you get some good weather this week
kris
Hey Lady, cheer up! There will be sunshine before you know it, and then you can spend lots of time with "Sugar". :):) I understand, I'm sick of this winter too, as it's been really cold.
Ah! But without the sorrow, would we appreciate the joy?!? Our animals teach us so much, including our limits. I agree, though, it has been a hard winter in bloggerville.
Take heart, and do't make any rash decisions. It would be great is Sugar is your next heart horse, but you're obviously still greiving Baby Doll, so your emotions are close to the surface...
Lisa...hope your day gets better...
I am sorry to hear you are so sad. Spring is around the corner and with it a new beginning. Many happy times to come! Your pictures are beautiful. I know you are tired of winter, but you live in a beautiful place!
I'm sorry for all of your sorrows. Sometimes a good cry is the only way to feel better. Hopefully you feel lighter now.
Now on to this horse. If you think this horse is something that you might like, give it a try. If it turns out that she isn't exactly what you want after you have had her a while, start over. Imagine an ecth-a-scketch. lol. When your heart has been taken by one certain horse, it takes a little longer for it to happen again. Think of a boyfriend. It's hard to go from a bad brake-up right into another realtionship. Now that this comment has went all over this place, I hope you just have fun in the journey. What's meant to be, will be.
I see you took Lyle's sudden death hard too. I sat and cried when I read it. You're sweet for mentioning Lucky. I wonder when the hurt will stop---mostly because we don't really know what happened to him.
I'm sorry you're struggling with the idea of owning another horse. It seems as though you have the perfect setup with Colleen. Sugar belongs to her for the time being and you can really, really get to know her. It's so hard to let your guard down. It's a good sign Sugar isn't letting your anxiety affect her.
Many hugs to you my friend. I hope your heart heals soon. It's so hard to feel so badly.
Now I'm bummed out, just remember there are alot of folks out here who care about you and hope thing go well for you. Sugar sounds like a fine horse and I hope all works out well. So cheer up, spring is almost here and find some fruit to photograph..:-))
Hang in there, kiddo. I think everyone is having a bit of a downer. Winter seems to be lasting forever this year and some sunny skies will do wonders for my gloomy disposition (we are having a snow-hurricane tomorrow complete with 40-60 mph winds). My advice to you is go with your instincts. If you feel right riding Sugar and everything goes well with the vet than it was meant to be. Baby Doll will hold a special place with you but that doesn't mean that another horse won't fill your heart too. I look at it this way - everything in life is a stepping stone. Baby Doll taught you things and made you wise. They may have been painful things but you definitely learned from her. And as far as Sugar being the first horse you looked at, don't sweat it. It sounds like you have some sound advice from Colleen and I think it says a lot that she would consider Sugar as well.
Keep thinking girl, there is nothing wrong with putting a lot of thought into making a decision. I wish I was down there in your area and could help you find a nice safe horse.
I am not going to pressure you into owning a horse - and I hope no one else is on here either. I would not and I don't think anyone else on here would think less of you it you choose not to be a horse owner for now. You CAN love horses with all your heart and enjoy them without owning one. Just make sure when you make a decision make it without regrets. I hate regrets and don't have many but there are a few....that haunt me.
((HUGS))
Hang in there. This time of year is so hard on everyone.
Hang in there girl! sounds like you have a bad case of February , to go with the sad news and losses your friends have suffered. You are such a sweet gal caring for your friends and being such a support.
That said ,the thing with horse shopping... there is no formula to how many you need to try , or that the one everyone says will work ,actaually work . Sugar seems to me to be a good choice , but she has to feel that way to you. The fact that Colleen would take her and make her part of her program speaks volumes. Trust yourself , Baby Doll may not have been the best choice for you , but you gave it a go. Second guessing that choice won't serve you for too long . You did your best at that time , now its time to "let go of the rope" for yourself too.If it isn't Sugar , then maybe the next one or the one after that . But don't write Sugar off just because she was the first . Hope I make sense . Hugs to you ,spring will come.
Sure hope Sugar gets a thumbs up on the Vet check. She could be the right one just because you have a much clearer vision of what you want now. I have my fingers crossed anyway.
One of the great and terrible things in life, one of God's great gifts, is our ability to love. If we didn't love so much, it wouldn't hurt so much. The greatest mistake anyone can make is to stop loving out of a fear of hurting in the future. What I've learned is that the short term of hurt is far outweighed by the long term joy of loving. All the loves of my life, both human and animal, plus the hurts of my life make me who I am.
You're smart to be patient and blessed to have Colleen supporting you.
Dan
HUGS to you! Hang in there, the right one will come along and its seems like you have learned so much in this process that you will know it is the right one. Too bad our little mare Bella is so small, she would be the perfect for you! As it is, I think she is heading off to another home this weekend, one with a normal sized human being to ride and love her! My husband I were just discussing the other day, how some people who are out looking for a horse to buy, can't for their lives find a good one, and we've been GIVEN 3 in the last few years. Although, I can't say they were "good" horses when we got them, but they are now! Hold your head up, be cautious and discriminating, but don't be afraid to let your heart love and connect again!
Whew this was a tough one to get through....my heart goes out to you and all those people that have lost their animals. You are allowed to have a meltdown in fact sometimes it is a must.I think your plan for Sugar is a sound one.In the end it won't matter what we all say or advice ....you will know wether she's the one or not. I know you don't think so right now but I would say your instincts are working better than you think. Hang in there Lisa happier things are coming.....Spring......puts a different slant on a lot of things.
Lisa, you are such a wonderful kind soul.
My only regret is that our wonderful four-footed freinds have such short lives.
Thank you for your comments.
(((Hugs)))
Pam
you're carrying everybody's burdens today. : (
- The Equestrian Vagabond
Hi Lisa, sorry to hear you are sad, and it is very hard when our animal friends die, but a friends dad told her after she lost her best mare, if it doesnt hurt you shouldnt have them. Hard to hear at the time, but so so true. Good luck and dont rush with Sugar, spend time with her and you will know if shes the right one.
You have tons of support and wise advise here. Not much I can add. I've been through a severe injury and scare with a horse. It can take awhile to trust your riding skills after that but it does come back. Especially when you have so many caring souls pulling for you.
Oh Sweet Liss, I am sorry for this turmoil..and after what you have been through..some tarrying, is not so bad a thing. You are going through the motions of loss and the grief of that still...so normal dear friend..give yourself a break. We women feel loss very deeply, it is part of our womanly makeup and I so understand yours.
Your steps for assuring Sugar mare is right and a good choice, are all in order. You have made good decisions by talking it through and hiring professionals to help you make sure she is sound.
It would be so cool if you could "free lease" her for a Mo. Wonder if Colleen would allow you that?
Hang in, so very many of us are here for you, and we too are sickened by the dour days of winter about now too!
(Only here in the PNW are having an unusual false spring-but it could backfire anytime!)
...take your time, there really is no rush...but for the dream to be realized.
I really think it is close for you, my trail riding girlfriend!
One day, and sometimes, one hour at a time...but do keep looking up sweet friend, God does care about this part of your life too...He put your desires in place and made the wonderful horse for His pleasure and ours!
MuchXOLoveXOToXOYou!!!
Kac
I have to "ditto" what CDNcowgirl said, take your time, date a bit. Don't look for color first, and date a few different ones. The right horse for you will come along. Take your time and be patient. There are plenty of horses out there that would love to partner with you and are the right fit. Good luck!
Lisa, I am sorry you are going through such a tough time right now, the winter certainly doesn't help anything that's for sure. I too sobbed when I read about Lyle at 7msn Ranch, I can't imagine how Linda had the strength to write that post. I also sobbed when I read about Rojo last year but it is one of the few downsides of sharing our lives with animals. I always say that unless you stick with Parrots and Tortoises you know that sooner or later 'that' day will come. It doesn't make it any easier when I tell myself that though!!
You have to think of Baby Doll as your first love, she will always have a special place in your heart but there are other fish (horses) in the sea :) Just take your time, try and enjoy the experience of trying different horses and learning from them. One day Mr Right will come along and then it will be so wonderful. You are also very lucky in having such a great friend in Colleen, I feel sure she will help you with this big decision and that is great. Remember, if in doubt - wait. It's like finding the right mate - you'll know! And in the mean time enjoy shopping around!!! :)
Lisa, I, too just sobbed and sobbed when I read about Lyle. The floodgates just opened. My husband thought I was NUTS! Totally nuts! I just let it all out about Beauty and how much I missed her and how Lyle died and I just couldn't stop!!! But, at least I got it out and I suppose that is a good thing.
There's nothing wrong with having a soft heart, and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to feel heart break again. The only thing that would be wrong is to stop living because you fear feeling that pain. I went through so much heartache when our dog Alki was diagnosed with cancer and given months to live. She's lived almost three years since then. It's been very stressful taking care of her and worrying about her all the time. When we got Barclay I thought I would never love a dog as much as Alki, and I kind of tried to stay back a bit. But in the end I realized you have to just be yourself, and open up your heart to all the joy you get from sharing your life with an animal. There's joy and there's pain, and a friend told me the price of a good dog is a broken heart at the end. It's the same for all of them, for anything you dare to love. But what good would life be if you lived it afraid to love? I try to remember how much I loved my dogs when I was a kid, when we still knew how to love without reservation or fear or loss. Love your people and your pets that much!
I hope Sugar works out for you. Sounds like you're so lucky to have a friend to help you evaluate her and work with you. Maybe Sugar will be the perfect step up from confidence-builder Rosie. If not for some reason, then another will come along. I hope so, because I hate to see anyone pack up their dreams. You only get one life to live, you should enjoy it as much as you can.
This horse is a paint, and that feels a bit like an echo of BD. Do you feel that at all?
Seriously, girl, you've had a very rough time. You are going to be protecting your heart.
Sugar looks really good, but it's scary to even try to believe when your hopes were so thoroughly dashed...
And yet, we are women. We reopen ourselves. Because that's just how we're built.
I have a feeling she's a great horse. You'll know more after a few more rides. If it helps at all the book I have on reading horse faces (to determine temperment) says she's very reliable. Steady eddie kind of girl.
I can send you the pages (scan/email) I think applies to her once I get back if you like.
Meltdowns are obviously never fun, but sometimes - very necessary. For me, they are a release and they tend to give me some perspective.
I hope Sugar ends up being incredibly sweet; it's good you have time to get to know her.
From the mouths of babes...don't know where that came from...but if your daughter approves, I would say she is a good horse. You saw the magic with them together and how responsible Sugar was with her precious load.
I shall not sway you but listen to your heart.
So many losses..some times you just feel better after a good cry. Sugar looks so gentle..you just have to go with your instincts:)
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